1
00:00:41,390 --> 00:00:47,910
There'll be no strings to bind your
hands, not if my love can't bind your

2
00:00:47,910 --> 00:00:48,910
heart.

3
00:00:54,450 --> 00:01:01,350
There's no need to take a stand, for it
was I who chose to start.

4
00:01:06,810 --> 00:01:13,060
If morning's echo says we've sinned,
Well, it was what I wanted

5
00:01:13,060 --> 00:01:14,060
now.

6
00:01:19,420 --> 00:01:23,200
And if we're victims of the night,

7
00:01:23,420 --> 00:01:29,620
I won't be blinded by the light.

8
00:03:01,910 --> 00:03:03,410
I'll find a lonesome back here

9
00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:11,020
Um, just, uh, I have to keep my hands on
the wheel.

10
00:03:12,340 --> 00:03:13,860
Excuse me.

11
00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:15,560
Woo!

12
00:03:16,220 --> 00:03:17,420
Uh, Dopinder.

13
00:03:17,700 --> 00:03:18,860
Cool. Dead.

14
00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:22,500
Nice.

15
00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:27,520
Smells good, no? Not the daffodil
daydream. The girl. Ah, yes.

16
00:03:27,900 --> 00:03:29,980
Geeta. She's quite lovely.

17
00:03:30,380 --> 00:03:36,160
She would have made me a very agreeable
wife, but, um, Geeta's heart has been

18
00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:37,660
stolen by my cousin Bandhu.

19
00:03:38,700 --> 00:03:41,960
He is as dishonorable as he is
attractive.

20
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:47,940
Dopinder, I'm starting to think there's
a reason I'm in this cab today. Yeah,

21
00:03:47,980 --> 00:03:52,720
sir, you called for it, remember? No, my
slender brown friend. Love is a

22
00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:53,720
beautiful thing.

23
00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:57,380
When you find it, the whole world tastes
like daffodil daydream.

24
00:03:57,700 --> 00:04:02,860
So you gotta hold on to love tight and
never let go.

25
00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:07,460
Don't make the same mistakes I did. Got
it? Yeah. Or else the whole world tastes

26
00:04:07,460 --> 00:04:09,660
like... Mama June after hot yoga.

27
00:04:10,220 --> 00:04:14,960
Sir, what does Miss Mama June taste
like? Like two hobos fucking in a shoe

28
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,720
filled with piss. I can go all day,
Dopinder. The point is, it's bad.

29
00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:19,480
It's bad.

30
00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:22,760
Why the fancy red suit, Mr. Poole?

31
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:25,100
Oh, that's because it's Christmas Day,
Dopinder.

32
00:04:25,460 --> 00:04:27,580
And I'm after someone on my naughty
list.

33
00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:32,780
I've been waiting one year, three weeks,
six days, and, oh, 14 minutes to make

34
00:04:32,780 --> 00:04:34,280
him fix what he did to me.

35
00:04:34,860 --> 00:04:37,360
And what did he do to you, Mr. Poole?

36
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:38,960
This shit.

37
00:04:40,940 --> 00:04:41,940
Boom.

38
00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:03,360
They won't disappoint.

39
00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:05,080
They better not.

40
00:05:06,020 --> 00:05:07,640
What about next month's shipment?

41
00:05:08,500 --> 00:05:09,500
There won't be one.

42
00:05:10,300 --> 00:05:11,980
You're not the only one with a war to
win.

43
00:05:13,140 --> 00:05:14,140
That won't do.

44
00:05:17,420 --> 00:05:21,420
See, we've had this small disruption to
our supply chain.

45
00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:26,640
We'd appreciate your patience.

46
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:30,960
Okay.

47
00:05:31,420 --> 00:05:33,300
We'll deliver in for the following
month.

48
00:05:33,860 --> 00:05:34,860
Yes.

49
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:38,760
I should do business with you.

50
00:05:42,700 --> 00:05:43,700
Fuckin' mutant.

51
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:55,280
Ah, shit!

52
00:05:55,860 --> 00:05:57,180
I forgot my ammo bag!

53
00:05:57,740 --> 00:05:58,740
Shall we turn back?

54
00:05:58,840 --> 00:05:59,840
Nope, no time.

55
00:06:00,140 --> 00:06:01,560
Fuck it. I got this.

56
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:05,140
9, 10, 11, 12 bullets or bust.

57
00:06:05,380 --> 00:06:06,380
Right here!

58
00:06:09,050 --> 00:06:10,690
That's $27.50.

59
00:06:10,930 --> 00:06:14,110
I never carry a wallet while I'm
working. Ruins the lines in my suit.

60
00:06:14,370 --> 00:06:16,770
Oh. But how about a crisp high five?

61
00:06:17,350 --> 00:06:19,210
Okay. Merry Christmas.

62
00:06:20,150 --> 00:06:23,730
And a convivial Tuesday in April to you
too, pool.

63
00:06:24,070 --> 00:06:27,090
Hey, yeah. I want to shoot, baby.

64
00:06:27,450 --> 00:06:28,970
Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

65
00:06:29,310 --> 00:06:30,690
Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

66
00:06:31,330 --> 00:06:32,830
Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.
Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

67
00:06:33,230 --> 00:06:34,230
Shoot. Shoot.

68
00:06:38,670 --> 00:06:43,110
Shake shake boobie, it looks to kill you
would be a movie or shotgun bang!

69
00:06:43,350 --> 00:06:44,350
Oh!

70
00:06:45,010 --> 00:06:46,010
Oh, hello.

71
00:06:46,470 --> 00:06:47,930
I know, right?

72
00:06:48,350 --> 00:06:53,790
Whose balls did I have to fondle to get
my very own movie? I can't tell you, but

73
00:06:53,790 --> 00:06:55,630
it does rhyme with pulverine.

74
00:06:55,990 --> 00:07:01,050
And let me tell you, he's got a nice
pair of smooth criminals down under.

75
00:07:01,610 --> 00:07:07,530
Anyway, I got places to be, a face to
fix, and oh, bad guys to kill.

76
00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:15,000
Maximum effort.

77
00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:25,760
Cushion.

78
00:07:33,260 --> 00:07:35,900
Rich Corinthian leather.

79
00:07:38,510 --> 00:07:41,490
looking for? Have you seen this man?

80
00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:27,720
I've never said this, but don't swallow.

81
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:50,040
Shit.

82
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:52,620
Did I leave the stove on?

83
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:25,520
Red suit.

84
00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:27,160
Deadpool.

85
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:47,060
When will he grow up and see benefits of
becoming X-Men? Which benefits? The

86
00:09:47,060 --> 00:09:47,979
matching unitards?

87
00:09:47,980 --> 00:09:49,820
The house that blows up every few years?

88
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:52,860
Please. House blowing up builds
character.

89
00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:55,460
You ate breakfast, yes?

90
00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,620
Breakfast is most important meal of day.

91
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,060
Here. Protein bar.

92
00:10:01,380 --> 00:10:02,520
Good for bones.

93
00:10:03,460 --> 00:10:05,640
Deadpool may try to break yours.

94
00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:49,380
You may be wondering why the red suit.

95
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:51,760
Well, that's so bad guys can't see me
bleed.

96
00:10:52,580 --> 00:10:55,420
This guy's got the right idea. He wore
the brown pants.

97
00:10:57,580 --> 00:11:01,040
Fine! I only have 12 bullets, so you're
gonna have to share.

98
00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:02,520
Let's count them down.

99
00:11:29,210 --> 00:11:34,490
Shit No Bad

100
00:11:34,490 --> 00:11:39,810
dead cool

101
00:11:39,810 --> 00:11:42,970
seven good

102
00:12:05,610 --> 00:12:07,770
Someone's not counting. Six.

103
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:36,080
Four.

104
00:12:38,220 --> 00:12:39,220
Gotcha.

105
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:42,800
Right up Main Street.

106
00:13:16,270 --> 00:13:17,570
I'm touching myself tonight.

107
00:13:18,730 --> 00:13:19,730
Francis!

108
00:13:20,290 --> 00:13:21,290
Francis!

109
00:13:23,290 --> 00:13:27,090
What the shitbiscuit? Where you at,
Francis?

110
00:13:36,570 --> 00:13:37,830
You're not Francis.

111
00:13:46,650 --> 00:13:48,190
Really? Rolling up the sleeves?

112
00:13:58,690 --> 00:14:02,370
You're probably thinking, my boyfriend
said this was a superhero movie, but

113
00:14:02,370 --> 00:14:05,230
that guy in the red suit just turned
that other guy into a fucking kebab.

114
00:14:05,910 --> 00:14:09,850
Well, I may be super, but I am no hero.

115
00:14:10,630 --> 00:14:12,450
And yeah, technically this is a murder.

116
00:14:12,730 --> 00:14:14,890
But some of the best love stories start
with a murder.

117
00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:17,960
And that's exactly what this is, a love
story.

118
00:14:18,260 --> 00:14:22,980
And to tell it right, I gotta take you
back to long before I squeeze this ass

119
00:14:22,980 --> 00:14:24,240
into red spandex.

120
00:14:25,540 --> 00:14:27,600
Look, would it help if I slow it down
for you?

121
00:14:28,060 --> 00:14:30,540
I didn't order the pizza.

122
00:14:30,740 --> 00:14:33,440
Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive?

123
00:14:33,660 --> 00:14:34,660
Are you Mr. Merchant?

124
00:14:34,820 --> 00:14:35,539
The Mr.

125
00:14:35,540 --> 00:14:37,960
Merchant who didn't order the fucking
pie.

126
00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:39,280
Then who placed the call?

127
00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:40,680
I did.

128
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:44,480
Pineapple and olives?

129
00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:52,540
Sweet and salty fuck are you the fuck
you doing to my trip that burnt crust? I

130
00:14:52,540 --> 00:14:57,980
hope not man look This is about that
poker game. I told how yeah, I told it's

131
00:14:57,980 --> 00:15:02,360
all about that Look just uh Take a there
be one.

132
00:15:02,660 --> 00:15:07,860
Thanks Sir before you do anything to him
you mind if I get a big tip

133
00:15:07,860 --> 00:15:11,640
Jeremy is it mm-hmm Wade Wilson

134
00:15:13,269 --> 00:15:15,870
That is a no-go on the tip of Ruggiero.

135
00:15:16,450 --> 00:15:17,450
I'm not here for him.

136
00:15:18,430 --> 00:15:19,430
I'm here for you.

137
00:15:19,910 --> 00:15:20,910
Oh.

138
00:15:21,470 --> 00:15:25,670
Okay, well, I dodged a big-time bullet
on that one. Not out of the woods yet.

139
00:15:25,930 --> 00:15:29,690
You need to seriously ease up on the
bedazzling. They're jeans, not a

140
00:15:29,690 --> 00:15:32,550
chandelier. P.S., I'm keeping your
wallet. You did kind of give it to me.

141
00:15:32,790 --> 00:15:36,210
Okay, just look, man. Can I have my
Sam's car? I will shoot your fucking

142
00:15:36,210 --> 00:15:37,210
cat.

143
00:15:37,790 --> 00:15:40,150
I don't really know what that means. I
don't have a cat.

144
00:15:40,450 --> 00:15:42,150
Then whose kitty litter did I just shit
in?

145
00:15:47,010 --> 00:15:48,070
Anywho, tell me something.

146
00:15:48,490 --> 00:15:52,050
What situation isn't improved by pizza?

147
00:15:52,310 --> 00:15:55,830
Do you happen to know a Megan Orflosky?
Getting that right? Orflosky?

148
00:15:56,750 --> 00:15:57,750
Orlovsky? Yeah?

149
00:15:58,110 --> 00:15:59,110
Good.

150
00:15:59,810 --> 00:16:00,810
Because she knows you.

151
00:16:01,270 --> 00:16:05,530
Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who
take a dime to beat a fella down.

152
00:16:05,730 --> 00:16:09,730
And little Megan, she's not made of
money, but lucky for her, I got a soft

153
00:16:09,730 --> 00:16:10,730
spot.

154
00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:12,470
I'm a stalker.

155
00:16:13,250 --> 00:16:14,250
Threats hurt, Jer.

156
00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:17,620
Though not nearly as badly as serrated
steel.

157
00:16:18,020 --> 00:16:20,980
So keep away from Megan.

158
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:24,240
Cool? Yes, yes, sir. Then we're done.

159
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:25,920
Wait.

160
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:27,219
We are?

161
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:28,220
No, totally done.

162
00:16:29,300 --> 00:16:30,780
You should have seen your face.

163
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:33,500
I don't know what to do. I was so
scared. Soft spot, remember?

164
00:16:35,060 --> 00:16:38,340
Leave the book in her general direction
again, and you will learn in the worst

165
00:16:38,340 --> 00:16:40,440
of ways that I have some hard spots,
too.

166
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:43,820
That came out wrong.

167
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:04,700
You've heard the last of Jeremy.

168
00:17:04,900 --> 00:17:05,900
He's sorry.

169
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:07,700
No freaking way.

170
00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:15,460
Should have brought my rollerblades to
show these kids how it's done.

171
00:17:15,900 --> 00:17:18,760
And that's why we do it. But mostly the
money.

172
00:17:18,980 --> 00:17:20,940
Hey, think you can fuck up my stepdad?

173
00:17:21,380 --> 00:17:23,640
Give a guy a pavement facial, it's
because he's earned it.

174
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:25,440
Hey, wait!

175
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:28,800
You're my hero.

176
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:29,840
No, no, no, no, no.

177
00:17:34,350 --> 00:17:35,350
Never will be.

178
00:17:35,850 --> 00:17:37,130
Fuck you, Wade.

179
00:17:37,570 --> 00:17:40,670
I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck
up worse guys.

180
00:17:42,370 --> 00:17:43,850
Welcome to Sister Margaret's.

181
00:17:44,370 --> 00:17:46,430
It's like a job fair for mercenaries.

182
00:17:46,970 --> 00:17:50,710
Think of us as really fucked up tooth
fairies, except we knock out the teeth

183
00:17:50,710 --> 00:17:51,710
and take the cash.

184
00:17:52,010 --> 00:17:54,950
You'd best hope we never see your name
on a gold card.

185
00:17:55,290 --> 00:17:56,870
Buck? Well, I failed.

186
00:17:57,290 --> 00:18:01,030
Hey, Wade. Wade Wilson, patron saint of
the pitiful. What can I do for you?

187
00:18:01,610 --> 00:18:02,870
I'd love a blowjob.

188
00:18:03,530 --> 00:18:04,529
Oh, God, me too.

189
00:18:04,530 --> 00:18:05,890
The drink, blue snuggle.

190
00:18:06,270 --> 00:18:07,270
First.

191
00:18:08,250 --> 00:18:11,030
Hey, and I ain't taking any babysitting
money, all right? Make sure that gets

192
00:18:11,030 --> 00:18:13,510
back to Ms., uh, Orlovsky. And her.

193
00:18:13,810 --> 00:18:14,810
You sure?

194
00:18:14,850 --> 00:18:19,170
Mm. You know, for a merc, you're pretty
warm-blooded. Bet you let the kid off

195
00:18:19,170 --> 00:18:23,950
easy, too. Oh, he's not a bad kid. He's
just a little light-stalking. I was way

196
00:18:23,950 --> 00:18:26,710
worse than him when I was his age. I was
traveling to exotic places.

197
00:18:27,370 --> 00:18:29,470
Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville.

198
00:18:29,820 --> 00:18:32,960
meeting new and exciting people and then
killing them yeah i've seen your

199
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:36,880
instagram so what was special forces
doing in jacksonville that's classified

200
00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:43,560
they have wonderful dg on fridays all
right kalua bailey's and whipped cream

201
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:48,460
i give you a blow job um why don't you
make me make that kelly kelly kelly

202
00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:51,980
kelly kelly take that over to buck
please and tell him it's from booth

203
00:18:51,980 --> 00:18:56,840
little foreplay remind me what good will
come of this i don't take the shits i

204
00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:57,840
just disturb

205
00:19:03,980 --> 00:19:06,100
Cheers. To your health. Fuck you.

206
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:09,620
It's a nice duel.

207
00:19:31,850 --> 00:19:32,850
He's still breathing.

208
00:19:34,850 --> 00:19:36,870
Nobody wins today.

209
00:19:37,470 --> 00:19:38,470
Nice try, Wade.

210
00:19:38,810 --> 00:19:39,810
You got me.

211
00:19:39,930 --> 00:19:41,290
I picked Booth in the Deadpool.

212
00:19:41,570 --> 00:19:42,570
Who'd you pick?

213
00:19:42,790 --> 00:19:44,010
Yeah, Wade, about that.

214
00:19:44,210 --> 00:19:45,570
Um, no.

215
00:19:46,330 --> 00:19:47,910
You did not bet on me to die.

216
00:19:50,510 --> 00:19:51,590
You bet on me to die.

217
00:19:52,230 --> 00:19:53,230
Wow.

218
00:19:53,650 --> 00:19:55,050
Motherfucker, you're the world's worst
friend.

219
00:19:55,270 --> 00:19:59,050
Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102
and then dying. Like the city of

220
00:19:59,050 --> 00:20:00,360
Detroit. I'm sorry.

221
00:20:00,580 --> 00:20:03,880
I just... I wanted to win money. I never
win anything.

222
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:05,120
Whatever.

223
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:07,140
Soldiers of force and drinks on me!

224
00:20:09,300 --> 00:20:10,600
Gymnastic. Nothing imported.

225
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:15,480
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, baby.

226
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:18,020
Are you sure you want to shoot your
whole lot?

227
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:21,860
Uh... Tight.

228
00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:25,380
Vanessa. Wait.

229
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,420
What's a nice place like you doing and a
girl like this?

230
00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:30,760
I'd hit that.

231
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:35,160
Buck, you best apologize before you...
Yeah,

232
00:20:36,140 --> 00:20:38,420
that. Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf.

233
00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:39,579
I am sorry.

234
00:20:39,580 --> 00:20:40,379
Breathe through your nose.

235
00:20:40,380 --> 00:20:44,060
I don't have a filter between my brain
and my head. Okay, okay. Hey, ho, ho,

236
00:20:44,060 --> 00:20:46,220
ho, ho, ho. Hakuna has taught us. He's
sorry.

237
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:51,180
Get out of here. Go. Go cast a spell.
Hey, hands off the merchandise.

238
00:20:53,860 --> 00:20:58,940
Merchandise? So you, uh, bump fuzzies
for money?

239
00:20:59,290 --> 00:21:00,590
Yep. Rough childhood?

240
00:21:01,390 --> 00:21:02,390
Rougher than yours.

241
00:21:02,410 --> 00:21:03,670
Daddy left before I was born.

242
00:21:04,450 --> 00:21:05,890
Daddy left before I was conceived.

243
00:21:07,190 --> 00:21:10,630
Ever had a cigarette put out on your
skin? Where else do you put one out? I

244
00:21:10,630 --> 00:21:11,630
was molested.

245
00:21:11,690 --> 00:21:12,690
Me too.

246
00:21:12,770 --> 00:21:14,090
Uncle. Uncles.

247
00:21:14,370 --> 00:21:15,370
They took turns.

248
00:21:15,850 --> 00:21:19,070
I watched my own birthday party through
the keyhole of a locked closet, which

249
00:21:19,070 --> 00:21:20,410
also happens to be my... Your bedroom.

250
00:21:20,830 --> 00:21:22,990
Lucky, I slept in a dishwasher box.

251
00:21:23,550 --> 00:21:24,810
You had a dishwasher.

252
00:21:25,630 --> 00:21:29,350
I didn't even know sleep. It was pretty
much 24-7 ball gags, brownie mix, and

253
00:21:29,350 --> 00:21:30,350
clown porn.

254
00:21:31,650 --> 00:21:34,910
Who would do such a thing?

255
00:21:36,850 --> 00:21:37,850
Hopefully you.

256
00:21:39,090 --> 00:21:40,090
Later tonight?

257
00:21:41,370 --> 00:21:47,630
Yeah. Hey, what can I get for $275 and a

258
00:21:47,630 --> 00:21:50,690
Yogurtland rewards card?

259
00:21:51,130 --> 00:21:53,590
Maybe about 48 minutes of whatever the
fuck you want.

260
00:21:55,340 --> 00:21:56,420
And a little fat dessert.

261
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,140
Did she just put a gift card in your
mouth?

262
00:22:07,460 --> 00:22:09,080
It's time to put balls in holes.

263
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:11,940
You said whatever I want.

264
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:13,920
I get it.

265
00:22:14,340 --> 00:22:15,380
You love skee-ball.

266
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:17,780
Apparently more than you love vagina.

267
00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:19,360
That's a tough call.

268
00:22:20,620 --> 00:22:24,540
I just want to get to know the real you,
you know, not the short, shorter, two

269
00:22:24,540 --> 00:22:26,400
-dimensional sex object peddled by
Hollywood.

270
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:28,200
Balls and holes.

271
00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:30,120
Balls and holes.

272
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:31,580
Hair to lose tragically.

273
00:22:31,900 --> 00:22:33,140
Bring it, big man. Okay.

274
00:22:35,780 --> 00:22:36,940
What in that row?

275
00:22:38,180 --> 00:22:39,180
Logger out.

276
00:22:40,060 --> 00:22:43,440
The limited edition Voltron Defender of
the Universe ring.

277
00:22:43,780 --> 00:22:44,780
Four for four.

278
00:22:44,940 --> 00:22:47,020
Oh. Hey, there you go.

279
00:22:48,460 --> 00:22:49,820
Man, this sucker froze.

280
00:22:50,610 --> 00:22:52,250
And I will take the pencil eraser.

281
00:22:52,690 --> 00:22:56,430
Okay. You are now the proud protector of
the planet Eris.

282
00:22:56,990 --> 00:22:59,950
And you can erase stuff written in
pencil.

283
00:23:00,810 --> 00:23:01,810
Milady.

284
00:23:01,950 --> 00:23:04,670
Well, I hate to break it to you, but
your 48 minutes are up.

285
00:23:05,650 --> 00:23:08,210
Hey, how many more minutes can I get for
this?

286
00:23:08,970 --> 00:23:12,770
FYI, five mini-lion bots come together
to form one super bot suit.

287
00:23:13,390 --> 00:23:14,630
Five mini-lion bots?

288
00:23:15,710 --> 00:23:16,569
Three minutes.

289
00:23:16,570 --> 00:23:19,610
Deal. What do we do with the remaining
two minutes, 37 seconds?

290
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,000
Cuddle?

291
00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:27,520
How long can I keep this up?

292
00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:28,920
All year?

293
00:23:32,460 --> 00:23:33,540
Happy

294
00:23:33,540 --> 00:23:40,760
Valentine's

295
00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:41,760
Day.

296
00:23:44,220 --> 00:23:50,300
Happy Ch- Please, Nia.

297
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:51,800
You're the dog.

298
00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:58,040
Relax.

299
00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:01,060
I'm not being an actual women's dog.

300
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:07,160
Nia, no. No.

301
00:24:07,540 --> 00:24:08,540
No.

302
00:24:08,940 --> 00:24:12,080
Happy Lent.

303
00:24:18,030 --> 00:24:19,690
Sorry. Happy Halloween.

304
00:24:20,310 --> 00:24:21,490
Happy Halloween.

305
00:24:25,850 --> 00:24:32,030
Happy Thanksgiving.

306
00:24:33,150 --> 00:24:35,690
I love you.

307
00:24:39,610 --> 00:24:43,510
Your left leg is Thanksgiving and your
right leg is Christmas.

308
00:24:44,450 --> 00:24:46,330
Can I visit you between the holidays?

309
00:24:47,909 --> 00:24:49,930
Oh, that sweater is terrible.

310
00:24:51,330 --> 00:24:52,850
But red looks good on you.

311
00:24:53,250 --> 00:24:55,690
Red's your color. Brings out the
bloodshot in your eyes.

312
00:24:57,210 --> 00:24:58,890
Listen, I've been thinking. Really?

313
00:24:59,930 --> 00:25:01,310
About why we're so good together.

314
00:25:02,210 --> 00:25:03,210
Why's that?

315
00:25:03,690 --> 00:25:06,650
Well, your crazy matches my crazy.

316
00:25:06,970 --> 00:25:07,970
Big time.

317
00:25:08,390 --> 00:25:11,470
And we're like two jigsaw pieces, you
know?

318
00:25:12,010 --> 00:25:13,050
Weird, curvy edges.

319
00:25:13,330 --> 00:25:15,310
You put them together and you can see
the picture on top.

320
00:25:19,159 --> 00:25:23,680
Wade, there's something I've been
meaning to ask you, but only because you

321
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:24,860
haven't gotten around to asking me.

322
00:25:26,740 --> 00:25:30,260
Will you, um, stick it in my... Marry
me?

323
00:25:33,420 --> 00:25:34,780
Uh... Jinx?

324
00:25:35,180 --> 00:25:36,180
Huh?

325
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:38,660
Where were you hiding that? Nowhere.

326
00:25:39,780 --> 00:25:43,760
They say one month's salary, so, uh...
You mean... I do.

327
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:45,280
That's my line.

328
00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:49,940
I love you, Wade Wilson.

329
00:25:50,980 --> 00:25:53,440
You're supposed to... So that's a...
Yes! Woo!

330
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:55,560
Yes!

331
00:25:56,180 --> 00:25:59,360
I feel just like a little girl.

332
00:26:03,360 --> 00:26:06,900
What if I just held on and never let go?

333
00:26:07,180 --> 00:26:09,380
Just ride a bitch's back like Yoda on
Luke?

334
00:26:09,860 --> 00:26:11,740
Oh, Star Wars jokes.

335
00:26:12,620 --> 00:26:13,620
Empire.

336
00:26:15,300 --> 00:26:18,100
Jesus Christ, it's like I made you in a
computer.

337
00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:43,460
Here's the thing life is an endless
series of train wrecks with only brief

338
00:26:43,460 --> 00:26:49,460
commercial like breaks of happiness This
had been the ultimate commercial break

339
00:26:49,460 --> 00:26:55,300
Which meant it was time to return to our
regularly scheduled program

340
00:27:06,890 --> 00:27:07,890
You're not clowning.

341
00:27:08,390 --> 00:27:09,590
I sense clowns.

342
00:27:09,810 --> 00:27:12,610
People react to news of late-stage
cancer differently.

343
00:27:13,530 --> 00:27:17,070
There are certainly options we can look
into. New drugs are being developed

344
00:27:17,070 --> 00:27:18,070
every day.

345
00:27:22,270 --> 00:27:23,270
So what do we do?

346
00:27:24,050 --> 00:27:26,070
Surely there is something we can do.

347
00:27:27,430 --> 00:27:31,250
My uncle Ivan was diagnosed with thyroid
cancer, and there were all these new

348
00:27:31,250 --> 00:27:34,630
experimental drugs from Germany...
Vanessa's already working on plan A,

349
00:27:34,730 --> 00:27:36,350
B... All the way through Z.

350
00:27:37,290 --> 00:27:38,290
Me?

351
00:27:38,630 --> 00:27:40,610
I'm memorizing the details of her face.

352
00:27:41,550 --> 00:27:43,330
Like it's the first time I'm seeing it.

353
00:27:44,210 --> 00:27:45,850
Or the last. Mr. Wilson.

354
00:27:46,750 --> 00:27:47,750
Mr. Wilson.

355
00:27:48,550 --> 00:27:50,410
Take your time to process this.

356
00:27:51,910 --> 00:27:53,670
It's important not to do anything rash.

357
00:28:05,980 --> 00:28:10,360
Now if I were a 200 pound sack of
assholes named Francis, where would I

358
00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:11,360
hide?

359
00:28:14,620 --> 00:28:15,620
Oh

360
00:28:36,910 --> 00:28:41,550
Hush falls over the crowd as rookie
sensation Wade W. Wilson out of Regina,

361
00:28:41,750 --> 00:28:43,930
Saskatchewan, lines up the shot.

362
00:28:45,330 --> 00:28:46,610
His form looks good.

363
00:28:48,090 --> 00:28:49,090
Oh,

364
00:28:49,430 --> 00:28:55,390
and that's why Regina runs with fun.
Ladies and gentlemen, what you're

365
00:28:55,390 --> 00:28:58,390
witnessing is sweet dick-kicking
revenge.

366
00:28:58,930 --> 00:29:00,610
Oh, give him the business.

367
00:29:01,650 --> 00:29:02,650
Incoming.

368
00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:07,220
This is taking unsportsmanlike conduct
to a whole new level.

369
00:29:12,480 --> 00:29:13,740
Looking good, Francis.

370
00:29:14,040 --> 00:29:16,280
Well rested. Like you've been pitching,
not catching.

371
00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:17,820
Ringing any bells?

372
00:29:18,180 --> 00:29:19,180
No?

373
00:29:23,700 --> 00:29:24,900
How about now?

374
00:29:29,220 --> 00:29:31,080
Wade fucking Wilson.

375
00:29:34,620 --> 00:29:37,800
Gorgeous. Yeah, like I got bit by a
radioactive Sharpay.

376
00:29:38,300 --> 00:29:40,340
Yeah, and whose fault is that, huh,
Francis?

377
00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:43,500
Yeah, time to undo what you did to this
butterface.

378
00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:44,840
You should thank me.

379
00:29:45,420 --> 00:29:46,660
Apparently I made you immortal.

380
00:29:47,020 --> 00:29:48,100
I'm actually quite jealous.

381
00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:50,520
Yeah, but this ain't a life worth
living, is it?

382
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:57,140
Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp
Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.

383
00:30:03,820 --> 00:30:07,800
I think we can all agree that shit just
went sideways in the most colossal way.

384
00:30:09,100 --> 00:30:10,380
Well, maybe not the most.

385
00:30:12,140 --> 00:30:14,940
This is my most prized possession.

386
00:30:16,380 --> 00:30:17,720
Wham. No, no, no, no.

387
00:30:18,460 --> 00:30:22,000
Wham! Make it big as the album that
George and Andy earned the exclamation

388
00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:26,720
point. So, am I supposed to just smile
and wave you out the door?

389
00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:29,620
Think of it like spring cleaning. Only
if spring was death.

390
00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:34,080
God. Well, I had a nickel for every time
I spanked it to Burton Ed Peters.

391
00:30:34,860 --> 00:30:35,860
Sounds like you.

392
00:30:37,720 --> 00:30:40,480
Bernadette is not going anywhere because
you're not going anywhere.

393
00:30:41,660 --> 00:30:42,880
Drink. You're right.

394
00:30:43,180 --> 00:30:46,040
Cancer's only in my liver, lungs,
prostate, and brain. All things I can

395
00:30:46,040 --> 00:30:47,040
live without.

396
00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:53,820
You belong here at home, surrounded by
your Voltron and your Bernadette and

397
00:30:53,820 --> 00:30:54,820
your me.

398
00:30:54,980 --> 00:30:59,480
Listen, we both know that cancer is a
shit show.

399
00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:06,640
Yak off smearing off opening for the
spin doctors at the Iowa State Fair shit

400
00:31:06,640 --> 00:31:10,460
show and under no circumstances Will I
take you?

401
00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:14,980
to that show I Want you to remember me?

402
00:31:16,700 --> 00:31:20,380
Not the ghost of Christmas me. Well, I'm
gonna remember us.

403
00:31:20,660 --> 00:31:24,000
I swear to God I will find you in the
next life and I'm gonna boombox careless

404
00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:26,500
whisper outside your window wham

405
00:31:30,730 --> 00:31:33,130
No one is boomboxing shit, okay?

406
00:31:36,130 --> 00:31:37,350
We can fight this.

407
00:31:40,850 --> 00:31:42,890
Besides, I just realized something.

408
00:31:43,730 --> 00:31:44,730
You win.

409
00:31:45,130 --> 00:31:48,230
Your life is officially way more fucked
up than mine.

410
00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:10,080
Wade. Louise?

411
00:32:10,700 --> 00:32:12,840
You look like you need a blowjob and a
shower.

412
00:32:13,220 --> 00:32:15,400
No courtesy calls for the latter first.

413
00:32:15,760 --> 00:32:21,000
How about three shots of Patron? Or how
about Triticum Estimum? Wheatgrass.

414
00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:24,160
Excellent for the immune system. Jesus
Christ, you sound like Vanessa.

415
00:32:24,500 --> 00:32:27,920
Here, check it out. She's sending away
from all these colorful clinic

416
00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:28,920
brochures.

417
00:32:29,280 --> 00:32:30,880
I'm sure they're all FDA approved.

418
00:32:31,630 --> 00:32:32,529
You've got Chechnya.

419
00:32:32,530 --> 00:32:34,190
Isn't that where you go to get cancer?

420
00:32:34,530 --> 00:32:37,070
You've got China and Central Mexico.

421
00:32:37,710 --> 00:32:39,970
You know how they say cancer in Spanish?

422
00:32:40,250 --> 00:32:41,250
No.

423
00:32:41,670 --> 00:32:44,470
L-cancer. Oh, I could have guessed that.

424
00:32:45,530 --> 00:32:46,810
Look how happy you look here.

425
00:32:47,170 --> 00:32:50,890
Mind if I keep this, put it up, so I can
remember when you looked alive?

426
00:32:51,550 --> 00:32:54,950
At least now I'm going to win the
Deadpool, now that you're going to die

427
00:32:54,950 --> 00:32:57,510
tragically of cancer. I got it. Thanks.

428
00:32:58,330 --> 00:32:59,330
Oh.

429
00:33:00,810 --> 00:33:04,790
And that guy over there came in looking
for you. Real Grim Reaper type.

430
00:33:06,210 --> 00:33:08,050
I don't know. Might further the plot.

431
00:33:12,390 --> 00:33:14,130
Who's? Wade.

432
00:33:17,770 --> 00:33:18,770
Mr.

433
00:33:20,610 --> 00:33:25,110
Wilson. How can I help you? Besides
luring children into a panel van.

434
00:33:25,390 --> 00:33:28,730
I understand you've recently been
diagnosed with terminal cancer.

435
00:33:29,390 --> 00:33:30,309
Stalker alert.

436
00:33:30,310 --> 00:33:31,310
It's my job.

437
00:33:31,690 --> 00:33:32,690
Recruitment.

438
00:33:33,150 --> 00:33:36,130
I'm sorry you've had such a tough go.

439
00:33:36,570 --> 00:33:37,770
But you're a fighter.

440
00:33:38,030 --> 00:33:41,450
Special forces. 41 confirmed kills.

441
00:33:41,830 --> 00:33:43,070
One every seven weeks.

442
00:33:43,290 --> 00:33:44,830
Same rate most folks get a haircut.

443
00:33:45,610 --> 00:33:47,630
Just to wash the taste down.

444
00:33:47,870 --> 00:33:50,770
It's tough to forget being so
impressive.

445
00:33:51,290 --> 00:33:55,730
And now you spend your days sticking up
for the little people. Yeah, people

446
00:33:55,730 --> 00:33:56,730
change. What do you want?

447
00:33:57,320 --> 00:34:00,600
I represent an organization that may be
able to help.

448
00:34:02,020 --> 00:34:05,740
What if I told you we can cure your
cancer?

449
00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:10,600
And what's more, give you abilities most
men only dream of?

450
00:34:14,199 --> 00:34:17,780
I'd say that you sound like an
infomercial, but not a good one? Like

451
00:34:17,780 --> 00:34:23,780
Slap Chop? More shake-weighty? The world
needs extraordinary soldiers. We won't

452
00:34:23,780 --> 00:34:24,820
just make you better.

453
00:34:25,300 --> 00:34:31,409
We will make you... better than better a
superhero look

454
00:34:31,409 --> 00:34:37,510
agent smith i tried the hero business
and it left a mark but if i ever hit it

455
00:34:37,510 --> 00:34:44,429
i'll look you up oh uh we're within 500
yards of the school so you may want

456
00:34:44,429 --> 00:34:50,230
to you know his drinks on him

457
00:34:56,300 --> 00:34:57,300
What'd he say?

458
00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:22,060
Hey, what's going on?

459
00:35:39,830 --> 00:35:43,850
He made three of those movies.

460
00:35:45,150 --> 00:35:47,750
At some point you have to wonder if he's
just a bad parent.

461
00:36:02,730 --> 00:36:07,730
The worst part about cancer isn't what
it does to you, but what it does to the

462
00:36:07,730 --> 00:36:08,730
people you love.

463
00:36:09,810 --> 00:36:11,730
Who knew if this guy could save my life?

464
00:36:12,450 --> 00:36:15,670
But I knew there was only one way that I
could save hers.

465
00:36:19,630 --> 00:36:21,470
Isn't that what superheroes do?

466
00:36:34,550 --> 00:36:37,870
Okay, let's pro-con this superhero
thing.

467
00:36:38,750 --> 00:36:39,750
Pro?

468
00:36:40,550 --> 00:36:42,850
They pull down a gaggle of ass.

469
00:36:43,070 --> 00:36:46,570
Local dry cleaning discounts, lucrative
film deals, both origin stories and

470
00:36:46,570 --> 00:36:48,830
larger ensemble team movies. Con?

471
00:36:49,130 --> 00:36:51,430
They're all lame-ass teacher's pets.

472
00:36:51,710 --> 00:36:54,810
You know I can hear you. Wasn't talking
to you.

473
00:36:55,150 --> 00:36:57,910
I was talking to them. Stay right here.

474
00:36:58,490 --> 00:37:00,630
You've been warned before, Deadpool.

475
00:37:01,320 --> 00:37:04,620
This is a shameful and reckless use of
your powers.

476
00:37:04,840 --> 00:37:09,120
You will both be coming with us. Look,
Colossus, I don't have time for the

477
00:37:09,120 --> 00:37:12,540
goody-two-shoes bullshit right now. And
you are?

478
00:37:14,500 --> 00:37:19,280
Negasonic Teenage Warhead. Negasonic
Teenage... What the shit?

479
00:37:19,680 --> 00:37:21,500
That's the coolest name ever!

480
00:37:22,900 --> 00:37:25,720
So what, you're like, uh, his sidekick?

481
00:37:25,940 --> 00:37:26,940
No, trainee.

482
00:37:27,240 --> 00:37:28,240
Let me guess.

483
00:37:28,360 --> 00:37:30,040
X-Men left you behind on what?

484
00:37:30,460 --> 00:37:31,439
Shit detail.

485
00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:32,440
What does that make you?

486
00:37:32,760 --> 00:37:35,860
Pretending you're not here, Negasonic
Teenage Warhead. Can we trade names?

487
00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:37,640
Can we go?

488
00:37:37,900 --> 00:37:40,080
Look, I'm a teenage girl.

489
00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:42,240
I'd rather be anywhere than here.

490
00:37:42,460 --> 00:37:47,260
I'm all about long, sullen silences,
followed by mean comments, followed by

491
00:37:47,260 --> 00:37:48,360
more silences.

492
00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:50,100
So what's it gonna be, huh?

493
00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:53,120
Long, sullen silence? Or mean comment?

494
00:37:53,420 --> 00:37:54,420
Go on.

495
00:37:55,780 --> 00:37:57,280
You got me in a box here.

496
00:37:58,440 --> 00:38:00,080
We can't allow this, Deadpool.

497
00:38:00,420 --> 00:38:05,400
Please, come quietly. You big chrome
cock gobbler! That's not nice. You

498
00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:06,800
really gonna fuck this up for me?

499
00:38:07,040 --> 00:38:08,040
Trust me.

500
00:38:08,500 --> 00:38:11,300
That wheezing bag of dick tips has it
coming.

501
00:38:11,560 --> 00:38:13,320
He's pure evil.

502
00:38:14,380 --> 00:38:17,440
Besides, nobody's getting hurt.

503
00:38:22,820 --> 00:38:25,040
That guy was already up there when I got
here.

504
00:38:25,440 --> 00:38:27,900
Wait. You're better than this.

505
00:38:28,460 --> 00:38:29,460
Join us.

506
00:38:29,560 --> 00:38:33,160
Use your powers for good. Heads up. Be a
superhero.

507
00:38:33,760 --> 00:38:37,900
Listen, the day I decide to become a
crime-fighting shit-swizzler who rooms

508
00:38:37,900 --> 00:38:41,320
with a bunch of other little whiners at
the Neverland mansion of some creepy,

509
00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:47,880
old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking
motherfucker, on that day, I'll send

510
00:38:47,880 --> 00:38:49,220
your shiny, happy ass a friend request.

511
00:38:49,480 --> 00:38:53,860
But until then, I'm gonna do what I came
here to do. Either that, or slap the

512
00:38:53,860 --> 00:38:54,860
bitch out of you.

513
00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:58,160
Wait. Hey. Zip it, Sinead. Hey, douche
pool.

514
00:38:58,440 --> 00:38:59,820
And I hope you're watching.

515
00:39:03,800 --> 00:39:05,260
Quite unfortunate.

516
00:39:09,240 --> 00:39:11,160
That does it!

517
00:39:13,200 --> 00:39:15,340
Oh! Canada!

518
00:39:18,600 --> 00:39:19,760
That's not good.

519
00:39:20,040 --> 00:39:21,060
Wade, please.

520
00:39:21,460 --> 00:39:23,220
Cockshot! Oh,

521
00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:25,560
your poor wife.

522
00:39:26,120 --> 00:39:27,300
You really should stop.

523
00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:33,160
Oh, the dinosaurs feared the T-Rex.

524
00:39:36,960 --> 00:39:40,060
I promise this gets worse for you, big
boy!

525
00:39:40,560 --> 00:39:41,660
This is embarrassing.

526
00:39:42,340 --> 00:39:43,900
Please, stay down.

527
00:39:45,180 --> 00:39:47,420
You ever hear of the one-legged man in
the ass-kicking contest?

528
00:39:47,720 --> 00:39:49,080
Do you have off switch?

529
00:39:49,420 --> 00:39:50,960
Yeah, it's right next to the prostate.

530
00:39:51,180 --> 00:39:52,460
Or is that the on switch?

531
00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:04,420
Let us go talk to the professor.

532
00:40:05,340 --> 00:40:08,900
McAvoy or Stewart, these timelines are
so confusing.

533
00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:12,780
Dead or alive, you're coming with me.

534
00:40:13,080 --> 00:40:16,440
You'll recover, Wayne. You always do.

535
00:40:20,940 --> 00:40:22,920
You ever see 127 Hours?

536
00:40:23,420 --> 00:40:24,420
Spoiler alert.

537
00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:29,280
Oh, my God.

538
00:40:29,700 --> 00:40:30,700
Nasty.

539
00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:35,440
Oh, there's the money shot, baby.

540
00:40:36,140 --> 00:40:38,200
Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.

541
00:40:49,100 --> 00:40:51,440
Rock, meat, bottom.

542
00:40:52,140 --> 00:40:57,460
When life ends up breathtakingly fucked,
you can generally trace it back to one

543
00:40:57,460 --> 00:40:58,880
big, bad decision.

544
00:40:59,500 --> 00:41:01,920
The one that sent you down the road to
shitsburg.

545
00:41:02,830 --> 00:41:05,210
This, well, this was mine.

546
00:41:06,530 --> 00:41:13,210
Mr. Wilson, nothing warms my heart more
than a change of someone else's.

547
00:41:13,690 --> 00:41:15,590
You finally hit fuck it.

548
00:41:16,650 --> 00:41:21,270
I just promise you'll do right by me, so
I can do right by someone else.

549
00:41:21,490 --> 00:41:22,490
Of course.

550
00:41:23,650 --> 00:41:25,610
Please don't make the super suit green.

551
00:41:26,410 --> 00:41:27,410
Or animated.

552
00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:49,760
This place seems sanitary.

553
00:41:50,840 --> 00:41:53,000
My first request is warmer hands.

554
00:41:53,580 --> 00:41:56,360
And Jesus, a warmer table.

555
00:41:58,400 --> 00:42:00,640
We should really come up with a safe
word, fellas.

556
00:42:00,900 --> 00:42:02,160
I'm picking pork and beans.

557
00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:07,200
Easy.

558
00:42:10,260 --> 00:42:12,040
Aren't you a little strong for a lady?

559
00:42:13,160 --> 00:42:14,200
I'm calling Wang.

560
00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:19,800
What's up with the matches?

561
00:42:20,140 --> 00:42:21,140
Oral fixation?

562
00:42:21,420 --> 00:42:22,900
Or just a big Stallone fan?

563
00:42:24,500 --> 00:42:25,500
Patience, Angel.

564
00:42:26,460 --> 00:42:27,460
Going on good time.

565
00:42:28,240 --> 00:42:30,080
Are you here for the turndown service or
what?

566
00:42:31,720 --> 00:42:35,200
We have another talker. I'm just excited
about my first day at superhero camp.

567
00:42:35,280 --> 00:42:36,540
Shut the fuck up.

568
00:42:40,300 --> 00:42:42,300
Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax.

569
00:42:42,820 --> 00:42:44,700
I manage this workshop.

570
00:42:47,370 --> 00:42:51,150
Welcome speech used to be full of
euphemisms like, this may hurt a little,

571
00:42:51,270 --> 00:42:54,650
this may cause you some discomfort, but
I've grown blunt.

572
00:42:55,950 --> 00:42:58,190
This workshop is not a government-led
program.

573
00:42:58,510 --> 00:43:02,410
It's a private institution that turns
reclamation projects like yourself into

574
00:43:02,410 --> 00:43:05,030
men of extraordinary abilities.

575
00:43:07,030 --> 00:43:13,910
But if you think superhuman powers are
acquired painlessly, well, I'm injecting

576
00:43:13,910 --> 00:43:16,790
you with a serum that activates any
mutant genes lurking in your DNA.

577
00:43:17,370 --> 00:43:21,530
For it to work, we need to subject you
to extreme stress.

578
00:43:26,630 --> 00:43:29,910
You've heard the whole make an omelette
break some eggs bit, right?

579
00:43:30,690 --> 00:43:32,230
But I'm about to hurt you, Wade.

580
00:43:33,290 --> 00:43:35,450
I was a patient here once myself, you
know.

581
00:43:36,350 --> 00:43:38,310
The treatment affects everyone
differently.

582
00:43:39,250 --> 00:43:41,430
It made Angel inhumanly strong.

583
00:43:42,410 --> 00:43:46,070
In my case, it enhanced my reflexes.

584
00:43:46,640 --> 00:43:49,320
I also scorch my nerve endings so I no
longer feel pain.

585
00:43:51,600 --> 00:43:55,080
And in fact, I no longer feel anything.

586
00:44:03,660 --> 00:44:05,160
Thank you, thank you.

587
00:44:05,860 --> 00:44:06,860
Thank you.

588
00:44:07,060 --> 00:44:08,440
You have something in your teeth.

589
00:44:09,720 --> 00:44:13,680
Right in the middle there, just, I
don't... A little nugget of romaine

590
00:44:13,680 --> 00:44:14,680
lettuce or something.

591
00:44:17,230 --> 00:44:18,470
It's been bothering me for a long time.

592
00:44:20,690 --> 00:44:21,850
I made you look.

593
00:44:22,150 --> 00:44:25,490
Hey, is Ajax your actual name? Because
it sounds suspiciously made up.

594
00:44:25,870 --> 00:44:27,190
What is it really? Kevin?

595
00:44:27,750 --> 00:44:28,830
Bruce? Scott?

596
00:44:29,310 --> 00:44:30,690
Mitch? The Rickster?

597
00:44:31,510 --> 00:44:32,890
Is it Basil Fawlty?

598
00:44:33,370 --> 00:44:34,370
No joke away.

599
00:44:35,210 --> 00:44:37,730
One thing that never survives this place
is a sense of humor.

600
00:44:38,690 --> 00:44:39,710
We'll see about that.

601
00:44:39,970 --> 00:44:40,970
I suppose we will.

602
00:44:42,750 --> 00:44:43,750
He's all yours.

603
00:44:44,130 --> 00:44:45,130
Oh, come on.

604
00:44:45,930 --> 00:44:49,170
You're going to leave me all alone here
with less angry Rosie O'Donnell?

605
00:44:53,450 --> 00:44:55,010
This is how it's going to work.

606
00:44:55,990 --> 00:45:00,310
Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the
serum, so we're going to have to make

607
00:45:00,310 --> 00:45:01,310
you suffer.

608
00:45:02,910 --> 00:45:07,310
If you're lucky, your moving genes will
activate and manifest in a spectacular

609
00:45:07,310 --> 00:45:08,310
fashion.

610
00:45:10,210 --> 00:45:15,370
If not, I will have to keep on hurting
you.

611
00:45:17,290 --> 00:45:20,150
In new and different ways, each more
painful than the last.

612
00:45:20,730 --> 00:45:24,390
Until you finally mutate.

613
00:45:26,190 --> 00:45:27,370
Or die.

614
00:45:30,650 --> 00:45:35,890
You mean like a bucket list?

615
00:45:36,310 --> 00:45:37,890
Well, like a bucket list.

616
00:45:38,630 --> 00:45:41,330
I'd really like to light a spliff off
the Olympic torch.

617
00:45:42,130 --> 00:45:43,790
Pass it to me right after.

618
00:45:44,110 --> 00:45:45,110
Let's not forget.

619
00:45:45,550 --> 00:45:49,890
Naked, tandem base jumping with the
WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs.

620
00:45:50,090 --> 00:45:53,370
Anything on my bucket list would involve
public nudity.

621
00:45:54,430 --> 00:45:57,090
Finally, giving Meredith Baxter-Burney a
Dutch oven.

622
00:45:57,410 --> 00:45:58,410
No.

623
00:45:58,570 --> 00:46:01,370
Receiving a Dutch oven for Meredith
Baxter-Burney.

624
00:46:04,670 --> 00:46:06,270
Making banana pancakes.

625
00:46:07,570 --> 00:46:08,730
For my kids.

626
00:46:21,800 --> 00:46:24,460
I don't know about anyone else, but I'm
touched.

627
00:46:25,160 --> 00:46:26,580
We're just joking. No, no.

628
00:46:27,580 --> 00:46:28,580
It's okay.

629
00:46:29,620 --> 00:46:30,740
I encourage distractions.

630
00:46:32,100 --> 00:46:33,900
We wouldn't be giving up on us now,
would we?

631
00:46:34,280 --> 00:46:36,680
Hey, don't take any shit from him,
Cunningham.

632
00:46:37,280 --> 00:46:41,420
How tough can he be with a name like
Francis?

633
00:46:43,680 --> 00:46:46,040
Francis? That's his legal name.

634
00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:49,520
He got Ajax from a dish soap.

635
00:46:52,420 --> 00:46:55,140
F-R-E-N-C-I.

636
00:46:56,600 --> 00:46:57,600
Oops.

637
00:46:59,740 --> 00:47:01,760
Snagged the dry cleaning tag off your
lab coat.

638
00:47:03,600 --> 00:47:06,360
FYI, I could probably get you the
superhero discount.

639
00:47:06,780 --> 00:47:08,320
You are so relentlessly annoying.

640
00:47:08,620 --> 00:47:10,260
Thanks. Never heard that before.

641
00:47:10,800 --> 00:47:13,200
Why don't you do us all a favor and shut
the fuck up?

642
00:47:13,840 --> 00:47:15,820
Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut.

643
00:47:16,620 --> 00:47:19,300
Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.

644
00:47:19,560 --> 00:47:23,740
See, here's the problem with
round-the-clock. torture is that you

645
00:47:23,740 --> 00:47:25,600
can't really step it up from there.

646
00:47:28,380 --> 00:47:29,480
Is that what you think?

647
00:47:36,060 --> 00:47:40,300
If this doesn't unlock your mutation,
then, well, nothing will.

648
00:47:41,120 --> 00:47:44,520
Now, what we're gonna do is lower the
oxygen concentration in the air to the

649
00:47:44,520 --> 00:47:46,600
exact point you feel like you're
suffocating.

650
00:47:47,060 --> 00:47:49,820
If your brain waves slow, meaning you're
about to pass out...

651
00:47:50,890 --> 00:47:52,110
Then we'll turn up the O2.

652
00:47:52,970 --> 00:47:57,470
If your heart rate slows, meaning you're
able to catch your breath, we'll turn it

653
00:47:57,470 --> 00:47:58,470
back down.

654
00:47:59,150 --> 00:48:00,470
And that's where we'll leave you.

655
00:48:01,310 --> 00:48:02,450
Right there.

656
00:48:03,430 --> 00:48:05,430
Oh, I thought you guys were dicks
before.

657
00:48:05,770 --> 00:48:07,310
You know the funniest part of this?

658
00:48:08,750 --> 00:48:10,790
You still think we're making you a
superhero.

659
00:48:11,970 --> 00:48:12,970
You.

660
00:48:13,810 --> 00:48:15,290
A dishonorable discharge.

661
00:48:16,270 --> 00:48:17,610
Hip-deep in hookers.

662
00:48:19,010 --> 00:48:20,010
You're nothing.

663
00:48:21,610 --> 00:48:22,730
Your secret, Wade.

664
00:48:23,770 --> 00:48:25,670
This workshop doesn't make superheroes.

665
00:48:25,910 --> 00:48:27,110
We make super slaves.

666
00:48:29,010 --> 00:48:31,870
We're gonna fit you with a control
collar and auction you off to the

667
00:48:31,870 --> 00:48:32,870
highest bidder.

668
00:48:33,430 --> 00:48:34,990
Who knows what they'll have you doing?

669
00:48:35,950 --> 00:48:36,950
Terrorizing citizens?

670
00:48:37,210 --> 00:48:38,550
Putting down freedom fighters?

671
00:48:41,350 --> 00:48:43,070
Maybe just mow the occasional lawn.

672
00:48:44,610 --> 00:48:46,710
What the fuck is wrong with you?

673
00:48:52,490 --> 00:48:54,210
You're never going home after this.

674
00:48:55,290 --> 00:48:56,650
No, there's a brave face.

675
00:48:58,330 --> 00:48:59,330
Wait, wait.

676
00:49:00,430 --> 00:49:01,430
Seriously?

677
00:49:03,910 --> 00:49:06,270
You actually have something in your
teeth now.

678
00:49:08,270 --> 00:49:09,290
Until your weekend.

679
00:49:10,270 --> 00:49:11,270
Weekend?

680
00:49:11,990 --> 00:49:12,990
Weekend?

681
00:49:22,990 --> 00:49:23,990
Amen.

682
00:49:54,730 --> 00:49:56,570
Did I say this was a love story?

683
00:49:56,990 --> 00:49:59,370
No, it's a horror movie

684
00:50:23,370 --> 00:50:26,630
I've merely raised your stress levels
high enough to trigger a mutation.

685
00:50:27,070 --> 00:50:28,730
You sadistic fuck!

686
00:50:29,630 --> 00:50:30,850
I've cured you, Wade.

687
00:50:31,930 --> 00:50:33,810
Your mutated cells can heal anything.

688
00:50:34,790 --> 00:50:36,990
Stacking your cancer as fast as it can
form.

689
00:50:38,730 --> 00:50:40,830
Yeah, I've seen similar side effects
before.

690
00:50:42,450 --> 00:50:43,810
I could cure them.

691
00:50:47,090 --> 00:50:48,530
But where's the fun in that?

692
00:50:56,010 --> 00:50:57,070
Not because I need to.

693
00:51:01,750 --> 00:51:02,990
Because I want to.

694
00:51:05,550 --> 00:51:11,530
Oh well.

695
00:51:19,050 --> 00:51:20,050
Go ahead.

696
00:51:23,550 --> 00:51:24,870
Oh, you smart shit.

697
00:51:30,359 --> 00:51:31,900
Fuck. It's all right, it's all right.

698
00:51:33,300 --> 00:51:34,940
I think we have him, that one, yeah?

699
00:51:35,540 --> 00:51:36,540
You take off.

700
00:51:37,120 --> 00:51:38,120
Go on.

701
00:51:38,840 --> 00:51:39,840
Off you go.

702
00:51:44,820 --> 00:51:45,180
Quick

703
00:51:45,180 --> 00:51:51,860
question.

704
00:51:54,960 --> 00:51:55,960
What's my name?

705
00:52:06,080 --> 00:52:07,080
Sorry, Francis.

706
00:52:07,260 --> 00:52:08,420
My lips are sealed.

707
00:52:45,480 --> 00:52:46,480
Okay.

708
00:54:05,580 --> 00:54:06,580
You don't want to kill me.

709
00:54:06,720 --> 00:54:08,560
I'm the only one who can fix your arcane
mug.

710
00:56:21,800 --> 00:56:24,480
I didn't just get the cure to L-cancer.

711
00:56:26,300 --> 00:56:28,680
I got the cure to L-everything.

712
00:56:32,560 --> 00:56:36,220
But there was only one thing that really
mattered.

713
00:57:29,320 --> 00:57:32,100
God, it's so fucking hot in here.

714
00:57:37,200 --> 00:57:38,200
Freaking...

715
00:58:00,140 --> 00:58:04,060
I'm not making her life as ugly as mine.
Come on, Wade. It can't be that bad.

716
00:58:04,300 --> 00:58:05,300
Ah, bullshit!

717
00:58:05,960 --> 00:58:09,220
I'm a monster inside and out. I belong
in a fucking circus.

718
00:58:09,520 --> 00:58:12,260
Wait, Vanessa loves you. She doesn't
care what you... Oh.

719
00:58:13,000 --> 00:58:14,640
Oh. Do you like what you see?

720
00:58:14,880 --> 00:58:15,880
No.

721
00:58:16,380 --> 00:58:17,780
You look like an avocado.

722
00:58:18,060 --> 00:58:20,740
Had sex with an older, more disgusting
avocado.

723
00:58:21,140 --> 00:58:23,260
Yeah. Not gently, like it was
hate-fucking.

724
00:58:23,900 --> 00:58:27,460
There was something wrong with the
relationship, and that was the only

725
00:58:27,460 --> 00:58:29,400
catharsis that they could find without
violence.

726
00:58:29,870 --> 00:58:34,150
And the only guy who can fix this fugly
mug is the British shitstick who ran the

727
00:58:34,150 --> 00:58:35,930
mutant factory, and he's gone.

728
00:58:36,170 --> 00:58:39,990
Poof. Yeah, well, you gotta do something
to remedy this, because as of now, you

729
00:58:39,990 --> 00:58:41,450
only have one course of action.

730
00:58:41,670 --> 00:58:42,670
Damn straight.

731
00:58:43,110 --> 00:58:44,850
Find Francis. Star in horror films.

732
00:58:45,070 --> 00:58:49,490
What? Star in your own horror films.
Because you look like Freddy Krueger

733
00:58:49,490 --> 00:58:51,590
face-fucking topographical map of Utah.

734
00:58:52,950 --> 00:58:54,210
There's what I'm actually gonna do.

735
00:58:54,670 --> 00:58:58,030
I'm going to work through his crew until
somebody gives up Francis, force him to

736
00:58:58,030 --> 00:59:01,390
fix this, then put a bullet in his
skull, and fuck the brain hole.

737
00:59:01,670 --> 00:59:03,790
I don't want to see that or think of it
again.

738
00:59:04,050 --> 00:59:06,650
But the douchebag does think you're
dead, right?

739
00:59:06,990 --> 00:59:12,050
Yeah. That's good. You should keep it
that way. What, like wear a mask? Yes, a

740
00:59:12,050 --> 00:59:14,350
very thick mask, all the time.

741
00:59:15,030 --> 00:59:17,870
I am sorry, you are haunting.

742
00:59:18,630 --> 00:59:23,010
Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
Like a testicle with teeth. You will die

743
00:59:23,010 --> 00:59:25,170
alone. I mean, if you could die.

744
00:59:26,210 --> 00:59:27,210
Ideally.

745
00:59:27,410 --> 00:59:28,850
For others' sake. That'll do.

746
00:59:29,690 --> 00:59:31,550
All you need now is a suit and a
nickname.

747
00:59:31,790 --> 00:59:33,530
Like Wayne the Wisecracker.

748
00:59:33,790 --> 00:59:35,170
Or Scaredevil.

749
00:59:35,590 --> 00:59:36,630
Mr. Never Die.

750
00:59:37,450 --> 00:59:38,450
Ah, shit.

751
00:59:39,390 --> 00:59:40,390
What?

752
00:59:41,250 --> 00:59:45,070
I put all my money on you, and now... I
just realized I'm never gonna win the,

753
00:59:45,070 --> 00:59:46,070
uh... Deadpool.

754
00:59:50,170 --> 00:59:51,770
Captain Deadpool.

755
00:59:53,960 --> 00:59:56,300
No, just Deadpool, yeah.

756
00:59:56,740 --> 00:59:58,120
To you, Mr. Pool.

757
00:59:59,180 --> 01:00:01,780
Deadpool. That sounds like a fucking
franchise.

758
01:00:06,440 --> 01:00:07,440
Deadpool.

759
01:00:10,260 --> 01:00:11,260
Deadpool.

760
01:00:14,360 --> 01:00:15,360
Deadpool.

761
01:00:16,180 --> 01:00:18,380
This shit's gonna have nuts in it.

762
01:00:34,410 --> 01:00:35,530
First Francis?

763
01:00:44,810 --> 01:00:46,950
Salsa water and lemon for blood.

764
01:00:47,730 --> 01:00:48,870
Or wear red.

765
01:00:52,270 --> 01:00:53,330
Captain Deadpool!

766
01:00:54,210 --> 01:00:56,190
Nah, just Deadpool.

767
01:01:09,310 --> 01:01:10,810
Don't make me ask twice.

768
01:01:12,130 --> 01:01:15,070
Where is Francis?

769
01:01:16,010 --> 01:01:17,830
You made me ask twice.

770
01:01:18,190 --> 01:01:19,950
Is the mask muffling my voice?

771
01:01:20,320 --> 01:01:23,380
About to take you all to school with
guns and knives.

772
01:01:25,060 --> 01:01:26,100
Where's Francis?

773
01:01:27,940 --> 01:01:30,980
Where the fuck is Francis?

774
01:01:38,880 --> 01:01:42,820
You're about to be killed by a Zamboni.

775
01:01:43,120 --> 01:01:44,340
Where's Francis?

776
01:01:45,480 --> 01:01:46,540
No, please.

777
01:01:47,420 --> 01:01:48,420
Oh, God.

778
01:01:49,160 --> 01:01:50,360
I'm so sorry.

779
01:01:50,880 --> 01:01:53,600
Oh, little spider monkey!

780
01:01:53,880 --> 01:01:56,520
Crazy-ass car job, looking at doors, so
click, click, boom!

781
01:01:57,020 --> 01:01:58,740
Where is Francis?

782
01:02:01,720 --> 01:02:02,780
It's just confusing.

783
01:02:03,180 --> 01:02:06,800
Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more
sexist to not hit you? I mean, the line

784
01:02:06,800 --> 01:02:08,300
gets real blurry.

785
01:02:08,680 --> 01:02:10,340
Stop, Francesca.

786
01:02:12,120 --> 01:02:15,420
Tell me where your fucking boss is, or
you're gonna die!

787
01:02:18,570 --> 01:02:19,570
Sexy motherfucker.

788
01:02:22,150 --> 01:02:23,510
Sexy motherfucker.

789
01:02:27,210 --> 01:02:28,730
Don't hesitate to go.

790
01:02:45,010 --> 01:02:46,870
Nice to see you, Jarrett.

791
01:02:48,720 --> 01:02:49,780
I'll take footlong.

792
01:02:50,320 --> 01:02:51,420
Fully loaded.

793
01:03:06,140 --> 01:03:09,560
41 confirmed kills. Now it's 89.

794
01:03:09,820 --> 01:03:11,040
About to be 90.

795
01:03:11,720 --> 01:03:12,720
Mr. Wilson?

796
01:03:13,060 --> 01:03:14,060
Ding, ding.

797
01:03:14,740 --> 01:03:17,020
You're looking very alive.

798
01:03:17,420 --> 01:03:19,140
Ha! Only on the outside.

799
01:03:19,680 --> 01:03:22,120
This is not going to end well for me.
This is not going to end well for you,

800
01:03:22,180 --> 01:03:23,720
no. Where's your boss?

801
01:03:23,980 --> 01:03:25,240
I can tell you exactly.

802
01:03:26,940 --> 01:03:31,340
Oh, you'll tell me. But first, you might
want to look away for this.

803
01:03:31,900 --> 01:03:37,180
Now this little piggy went to... Thank
you, Agent Smith.

804
01:03:41,400 --> 01:03:42,400
Taxi!

805
01:03:43,860 --> 01:03:45,840
Hop in. Wait for a ride.

806
01:03:48,010 --> 01:03:49,390
And we all know how this turned out.

807
01:03:52,590 --> 01:03:54,430
Whoops. You weren't meant to see that.

808
01:04:02,650 --> 01:04:04,090
There. All caught up.

809
01:04:24,759 --> 01:04:26,180
Seltzer water and lemon for blood.

810
01:04:28,040 --> 01:04:30,700
Some kinds of anger can't be managed.

811
01:04:31,280 --> 01:04:35,380
Like the kind where your year-long plan
ends with the wrong guy getting

812
01:04:35,380 --> 01:04:36,380
dismembered.

813
01:04:37,120 --> 01:04:41,360
That said, when it comes time to licking
wounds, there's no place like home.

814
01:04:42,240 --> 01:04:45,580
And I share that home with someone
you've met. The old blind lady from the

815
01:04:45,580 --> 01:04:46,580
laundromat, Al.

816
01:04:47,000 --> 01:04:48,540
God, I miss cocaine.

817
01:04:49,380 --> 01:04:50,380
Her?

818
01:04:51,050 --> 01:04:53,490
Fourth wall break inside a fourth wall
break.

819
01:04:53,770 --> 01:05:00,690
That's like 16 walls She's like Robin to
my Batman except she's old and black

820
01:05:00,690 --> 01:05:07,090
and blind and I think she's in love with
me Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman,

821
01:05:07,210 --> 01:05:08,210
too

822
01:05:21,320 --> 01:05:22,360
Morning, sleuthy head.

823
01:05:23,220 --> 01:05:28,280
It smells like old lady pants in here.
Yes, I'm old. I wear pants.

824
01:05:28,640 --> 01:05:29,640
But you're no lady.

825
01:05:30,180 --> 01:05:31,960
Oh, so comfy.

826
01:05:33,740 --> 01:05:37,600
Upside of being blind, I've never seen
you in Crocs. You mean my big rubber

827
01:05:37,600 --> 01:05:38,600
masturbating shoes?

828
01:05:38,640 --> 01:05:39,640
Yes, I know.

829
01:05:40,000 --> 01:05:44,060
Downside of being blind, I hear
everything in this duplex.

830
01:05:45,880 --> 01:05:47,780
Sit on a stick.

831
01:05:48,200 --> 01:05:49,200
Back team?

832
01:05:49,320 --> 01:05:50,320
Yeah.

833
01:05:51,630 --> 01:05:52,810
Bactine should do it.

834
01:05:54,470 --> 01:05:56,150
How's that Cullin coming along?

835
01:05:56,570 --> 01:05:59,330
Ikea doesn't assemble itself, you know.
You're telling me.

836
01:05:59,910 --> 01:06:01,290
I don't mind the Cullin.

837
01:06:01,590 --> 01:06:03,830
It's an improvement on the Hurdal.
Please.

838
01:06:04,490 --> 01:06:06,170
Anything's an improvement over the
Hurdal.

839
01:06:06,610 --> 01:06:09,650
I'd have taken an MNES or a Tresol over
the Hurdal.

840
01:06:10,810 --> 01:06:13,690
Oh, no. I didn't get excited until I saw
the Cullin.

841
01:06:13,990 --> 01:06:14,988
Screw, please.

842
01:06:14,990 --> 01:06:17,310
Here? Now? Just kidding. I know it's
been decades.

843
01:06:17,630 --> 01:06:18,630
You'd be surprised.

844
01:06:19,270 --> 01:06:20,370
I'm pretty grossed out.

845
01:06:30,860 --> 01:06:33,460
I wish I never heard of Craigslist.

846
01:06:34,220 --> 01:06:37,780
And I quote, looking for roommate blind
to life's imperfections must be good

847
01:06:37,780 --> 01:06:41,020
with hands, or would you rather I build
the Ikea and you pay rent? Why such a

848
01:06:41,020 --> 01:06:42,020
douche this morning?

849
01:06:42,980 --> 01:06:43,980
Let's recap.

850
01:06:44,040 --> 01:06:47,520
The cock thistle that turned me into
this freak slipped through my arms

851
01:06:47,520 --> 01:06:48,520
today.

852
01:06:49,900 --> 01:06:50,900
Arm.

853
01:06:51,660 --> 01:06:54,820
Catching him was my only chance to be
hot again, get my super sexy ex back,

854
01:06:54,880 --> 01:06:56,740
and prevent this shit from happening to
someone else.

855
01:06:56,940 --> 01:07:00,180
So yeah, today was about as much fun as
a sandpaper dildo.

856
01:07:02,910 --> 01:07:03,910
Hashtag drive-by.

857
01:07:21,590 --> 01:07:23,690
Found out who our friend in the red suit
is.

858
01:07:26,010 --> 01:07:27,150
Fucking Wade Wilson.

859
01:07:28,910 --> 01:07:31,070
Suppose I'd wear a mask too if I had a
face like that.

860
01:07:32,010 --> 01:07:33,290
I only wish I healed the same.

861
01:07:37,430 --> 01:07:41,070
Still, we'll put him out of our misery
on our terms.

862
01:07:41,910 --> 01:07:43,250
Right. And when he heals?

863
01:07:44,670 --> 01:07:45,670
He can't.

864
01:07:46,030 --> 01:07:47,670
Not if there's nothing left of him to
heal.

865
01:07:48,450 --> 01:07:49,450
You know, it's funny.

866
01:07:50,430 --> 01:07:52,210
I almost missed the fucker.

867
01:07:53,670 --> 01:07:54,730
I like a challenge.

868
01:07:56,590 --> 01:07:57,790
But he's bad for business.

869
01:07:58,650 --> 01:07:59,890
Now let's go find him.

870
01:08:05,260 --> 01:08:06,260
Tylenol PM?

871
01:08:06,400 --> 01:08:10,980
You can stick that where you stuck the
Bactine. I raided my stash of wisdom

872
01:08:10,980 --> 01:08:15,540
teeth to build a set, and I am orbiting
fucking Saturn right now.

873
01:08:17,340 --> 01:08:20,100
But I appreciate the gesture.

874
01:08:21,399 --> 01:08:22,540
You are crazy.

875
01:08:23,420 --> 01:08:25,620
Why is your hand really small?

876
01:08:26,160 --> 01:08:28,040
About the size of a KFC spork.

877
01:08:28,279 --> 01:08:31,520
I get why you're so pissy.

878
01:08:32,330 --> 01:08:36,029
But your mood's never gonna brighten
till you find this woman and tell her

879
01:08:36,029 --> 01:08:39,370
how you feel. What do I keep telling
you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me.

880
01:08:40,050 --> 01:08:41,590
If you could see me, you'd understand.

881
01:08:42,050 --> 01:08:43,050
Looks aren't everything.

882
01:08:43,189 --> 01:08:44,189
Looks are everything.

883
01:08:44,410 --> 01:08:45,670
You ever heard David Beckham speak?

884
01:08:46,330 --> 01:08:48,310
It's like he mouth-sexed a can of
helium.

885
01:08:48,790 --> 01:08:51,810
Think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his
superior acting method?

886
01:08:52,170 --> 01:08:53,410
Love is blind, Wade.

887
01:08:53,630 --> 01:08:54,630
No.

888
01:08:55,670 --> 01:08:56,670
You're blind.

889
01:08:57,410 --> 01:09:00,310
So you're just gonna lie there and
whimper?

890
01:09:00,670 --> 01:09:03,109
No, I'm going to wait until this arm
plows through puberty, and then I'm

891
01:09:03,109 --> 01:09:04,689
going to come up with a whole new
Christmas Day plan.

892
01:09:05,529 --> 01:09:08,050
In the meantime, you might want to leave
the room.

893
01:09:08,890 --> 01:09:10,750
I bet it feels huge in this hand.

894
01:09:12,670 --> 01:09:15,250
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,
go, go.

895
01:09:15,990 --> 01:09:19,270
So the doctor says the bad news is you
don't have that long to live. So the

896
01:09:19,270 --> 01:09:21,670
patient says, how long do I have? The
doctor says, five.

897
01:09:22,330 --> 01:09:23,590
The guy says, five what?

898
01:09:24,050 --> 01:09:27,090
The doctor says, four, three, two.

899
01:09:35,399 --> 01:09:36,399
Can I help you ladies?

900
01:09:39,240 --> 01:09:40,240
I do hope so.

901
01:09:44,580 --> 01:09:48,500
I heard you might be able to point me in
the direction of a friend of mine.

902
01:09:49,479 --> 01:09:50,500
Name of Wade Wilson.

903
01:09:52,040 --> 01:09:54,160
Sorry, I don't know the name.

904
01:10:02,160 --> 01:10:03,780
You're not supposed to be behind the
bar.

905
01:10:08,170 --> 01:10:09,230
I've seen this girl.

906
01:10:09,630 --> 01:10:11,190
Oh, this must be Vanessa.

907
01:10:11,410 --> 01:10:13,010
I've heard so much about you.

908
01:10:13,470 --> 01:10:14,470
Um,

909
01:10:17,290 --> 01:10:19,010
sweetheart, you might want to look
around.

910
01:10:19,490 --> 01:10:21,790
This isn't really the place to do
something like that.

911
01:10:23,610 --> 01:10:24,610
Easy, Angel.

912
01:10:25,230 --> 01:10:26,310
Put the little man down.

913
01:10:28,290 --> 01:10:29,690
We have everything we need now.

914
01:10:30,290 --> 01:10:31,290
You sure?

915
01:10:32,150 --> 01:10:34,470
You don't want any clothes that are not
monochromatic?

916
01:10:35,310 --> 01:10:37,610
Let's have fun at your midnight showing
of Blade II.

917
01:10:40,450 --> 01:10:41,450
Whew.

918
01:10:41,750 --> 01:10:43,290
Thanks for having my back, guys.

919
01:10:48,570 --> 01:10:50,730
Wait. We have a fucking problem.

920
01:10:50,950 --> 01:10:52,030
And by we, I mean you.

921
01:10:53,550 --> 01:10:54,890
I can't believe I'm doing this.

922
01:10:55,790 --> 01:10:58,390
Is there a word for half afraid, half
angry?

923
01:10:58,790 --> 01:11:00,450
Yeah, frangry, I guess.

924
01:11:00,890 --> 01:11:02,450
Have you decided what you're going to
say to her?

925
01:11:02,810 --> 01:11:03,810
Fuck me.

926
01:11:04,160 --> 01:11:05,700
Maybe not start with that.

927
01:11:11,600 --> 01:11:17,260
Hey, coming onto our stage right now,
give it up for Chastity.

928
01:11:21,140 --> 01:11:26,320
Or as I like to call her, Irony. Gotta
find her fast before Numbnuts does. How

929
01:11:26,320 --> 01:11:27,320
do you know she's in here?

930
01:11:27,440 --> 01:11:29,460
Because I'm constantly stalking that
fox.

931
01:11:30,460 --> 01:11:33,620
I can just roll up cause I'm swole up.
So that birthday can't get to Cobra.

932
01:11:33,940 --> 01:11:35,320
Bugatti for real, I'm Cobra.

933
01:11:35,560 --> 01:11:36,800
The autobiography's over.

934
01:11:37,100 --> 01:11:38,420
Got the key to my city, it's over.

935
01:11:38,780 --> 01:11:42,200
Snow thoughts only in the color covers.
I said wreck it, wreck it, hold up. I

936
01:11:42,200 --> 01:11:43,700
said wreck it, wreck it, hold up.

937
01:11:50,560 --> 01:11:57,540
Every time I see her, it's

938
01:11:57,540 --> 01:11:58,540
like the first time.

939
01:11:59,910 --> 01:12:01,290
Especially from this angle.

940
01:12:25,170 --> 01:12:28,930
You can't buy love, but you can rent it
for three minutes.

941
01:12:32,560 --> 01:12:34,180
No, you weak motherfucker.

942
01:12:35,960 --> 01:12:36,960
Come on.

943
01:12:38,220 --> 01:12:40,900
Come on, get it together. This isn't
about me, this is about Vanessa.

944
01:12:44,200 --> 01:12:46,400
Here we go.

945
01:12:49,700 --> 01:12:50,720
Next one, I heard.

946
01:12:54,320 --> 01:12:55,320
Vanessa!

947
01:12:58,460 --> 01:13:00,080
Someone out back asking for you.

948
01:13:00,520 --> 01:13:01,900
Something about an old boyfriend.

949
01:13:30,120 --> 01:13:31,120
I knew it was you.

950
01:13:32,560 --> 01:13:34,240
The weird curvy edges.

951
01:13:36,240 --> 01:13:37,580
Like a jigsaw puzzle.

952
01:13:48,020 --> 01:13:49,980
You have Wade Wilson to thank for this.

953
01:13:59,370 --> 01:14:00,390
Hey, hey, where'd she go?

954
01:14:01,670 --> 01:14:03,830
It's our head to the back. Go get her,
tiger.

955
01:14:35,010 --> 01:14:40,270
Let's just well, we can talk or you can
hit that. Yeah. Yeah.

956
01:14:40,530 --> 01:14:43,590
Yeah. All right. Hey, whoa.

957
01:14:45,010 --> 01:14:46,550
Yeah. Whoa.

958
01:14:46,870 --> 01:14:48,610
Relax. Relax. Whoa. Okay.

959
01:14:48,870 --> 01:14:50,670
Okay. I think that's a good start.

960
01:14:52,150 --> 01:14:53,150
Motherfucking.

961
01:14:53,490 --> 01:14:55,830
Fine. I'm fine. I'm going to get angry.

962
01:14:56,650 --> 01:14:59,810
All right. Okay. All right. Here, this
is Vanessa.

963
01:15:00,110 --> 01:15:02,830
What? No, wait, it's Francis. He wants
you.

964
01:15:03,370 --> 01:15:04,650
come to him. What is that?

965
01:15:05,190 --> 01:15:06,230
That's the shit emoji.

966
01:15:06,490 --> 01:15:09,350
You know, it's the turd with the smiling
face and the eyes. I thought it was

967
01:15:09,350 --> 01:15:11,070
chocolate yogurt for so long.

968
01:15:11,690 --> 01:15:12,730
I need guns.

969
01:15:13,210 --> 01:15:14,210
Okay, which ones?

970
01:15:14,470 --> 01:15:16,210
I need all the guns! Alright, okay.

971
01:15:37,320 --> 01:15:38,660
It's about 3,000 rounds.

972
01:15:39,620 --> 01:15:41,340
We all know what I can do with 12.

973
01:15:42,220 --> 01:15:45,100
Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie
Millsap. We're downrange.

974
01:15:46,800 --> 01:15:50,220
I was going to spend the night
assembling the boyji, but this is

975
01:15:50,220 --> 01:15:51,220
holding my interest.

976
01:15:51,580 --> 01:15:55,120
I told you, we're going with the
Urdvash, not the Bjorsa. Get it through

977
01:15:55,120 --> 01:15:56,400
your head or get out of fucktown.

978
01:15:56,680 --> 01:15:57,680
Shit.

979
01:15:57,800 --> 01:16:00,480
That's all the pieces in the house. No,
no, no, no, no, no. Come on, let's go.

980
01:16:00,560 --> 01:16:01,560
Cough it up.

981
01:16:01,760 --> 01:16:02,800
Up, up, up, up, up, up, up.

982
01:16:04,120 --> 01:16:06,340
Go. Down, down, down, down. Fuck you.

983
01:16:08,680 --> 01:16:09,680
25 Cal.

984
01:16:09,980 --> 01:16:11,020
I like it.

985
01:16:13,280 --> 01:16:14,280
Wait.

986
01:16:15,680 --> 01:16:22,080
I'd go with you, but I don't want to...
Hey,

987
01:16:22,080 --> 01:16:23,900
listen, Al.

988
01:16:25,140 --> 01:16:29,700
If I never see you again, I want you to
know that I love you very much.

989
01:16:31,220 --> 01:16:36,100
And also, there's about 116 kilos of
cocaine buried somewhere in the

990
01:16:36,100 --> 01:16:37,860
apartment right next to the cure for
blindness.

991
01:16:45,070 --> 01:16:46,070
Wanna get fucked up?

992
01:16:56,110 --> 01:16:57,410
Put that down over here.

993
01:17:07,830 --> 01:17:08,830
Go on then.

994
01:17:11,570 --> 01:17:12,590
Thanks, Dickless.

995
01:17:13,230 --> 01:17:14,230
And I mean you.

996
01:17:15,200 --> 01:17:16,500
Well, you're a talker too.

997
01:17:16,820 --> 01:17:17,820
You and Wade.

998
01:17:17,940 --> 01:17:20,980
I've been trying to tell you assholes
you've got the wrong girl.

999
01:17:21,280 --> 01:17:22,900
My old boyfriend, he's dead.

1000
01:17:23,140 --> 01:17:24,400
See, I thought that too.

1001
01:17:25,000 --> 01:17:26,220
But he keeps on coming back.

1002
01:17:26,640 --> 01:17:27,780
Like a cockroach.

1003
01:17:28,460 --> 01:17:29,460
Uglier.

1004
01:17:30,460 --> 01:17:33,380
Now, I may not feel, but he does.

1005
01:17:35,140 --> 01:17:36,980
Let's see how he fights with your head
on the block.

1006
01:17:45,930 --> 01:17:47,370
Ripley from Alien 3.

1007
01:17:48,030 --> 01:17:49,130
Fuck your old.

1008
01:17:50,490 --> 01:17:52,090
Ah, fake laugh.

1009
01:17:52,410 --> 01:17:53,410
Hiding real pain.

1010
01:17:53,530 --> 01:17:54,670
Go get silver balls.

1011
01:17:55,030 --> 01:17:56,110
You guys going for a bite?

1012
01:17:56,390 --> 01:17:57,390
Early bird special?

1013
01:17:57,650 --> 01:18:00,550
Oh, like there's something wrong with
eating before sundown or saving money.

1014
01:18:00,670 --> 01:18:03,210
No, you know that bad guy that you let
go?

1015
01:18:04,430 --> 01:18:05,430
He's got my girl.

1016
01:18:06,350 --> 01:18:07,770
You're gonna help me get her back.

1017
01:18:08,250 --> 01:18:09,850
Wait, is that you?

1018
01:18:10,070 --> 01:18:13,630
Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an
offer that you can't refuse.

1019
01:18:17,230 --> 01:18:20,030
I'm gonna wait out here, okay? It's a
big house. It's funny that I only ever

1020
01:18:20,030 --> 01:18:23,630
see two of you. It's almost like the
studio couldn't afford another X-Man.

1021
01:18:26,210 --> 01:18:30,990
That, in my opinion, the movie Cocoon is
pure pornography.

1022
01:18:32,510 --> 01:18:34,270
Who brought this twinkly man?

1023
01:18:34,670 --> 01:18:39,930
Twinkly, but deadly. My chrome-penised
friend back there has agreed to do me

1024
01:18:39,930 --> 01:18:40,728
this solid.

1025
01:18:40,730 --> 01:18:45,810
In exchange, I said that I would
consider joining his boy band. It's not

1026
01:18:45,810 --> 01:18:46,810
boy band.

1027
01:18:46,860 --> 01:18:47,860
Sure it's not.

1028
01:18:48,660 --> 01:18:50,720
So, any luck winning Gita back?

1029
01:18:51,220 --> 01:18:56,900
I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool, but
Pandhu is more craftier and handsomer

1030
01:18:56,900 --> 01:18:59,760
than me. Well, I think you're pretty
darn cute.

1031
01:19:05,920 --> 01:19:07,320
Dopinder? Hmm?

1032
01:19:08,880 --> 01:19:09,880
What was that?

1033
01:19:10,500 --> 01:19:15,620
Uh, that was... Pandhu.

1034
01:19:16,350 --> 01:19:17,430
In the trunk?

1035
01:19:18,670 --> 01:19:21,090
Bandhu? My romantic rival, Bandhu.

1036
01:19:21,410 --> 01:19:25,570
He's tied up in the trunk. I'm doing, as
you said, DP. I plan to gut him like a

1037
01:19:25,570 --> 01:19:28,210
tandoori fish, then dump his carcass on
Geeta's doorstep.

1038
01:19:28,910 --> 01:19:31,850
I did not tell him to do that.
Absolutely not.

1039
01:19:32,070 --> 01:19:36,430
You got lost in translation, Dopinder.
This is no way to win Geeta's heart

1040
01:19:36,430 --> 01:19:41,230
back. I'm so proud of you. Drop Bandhu
off safe and gentle like you kill him,

1041
01:19:41,330 --> 01:19:45,470
and then win Geeta back the
old-fashioned way with your voice. What

1042
01:19:45,470 --> 01:19:46,470
is Charm?

1043
01:19:46,570 --> 01:19:47,570
Kidnapper.

1044
01:19:49,150 --> 01:19:50,210
He's super dead.

1045
01:19:51,030 --> 01:19:57,310
I presume a crisp high five?

1046
01:19:57,610 --> 01:19:58,349
For you?

1047
01:19:58,350 --> 01:19:59,350
Ten.

1048
01:20:00,250 --> 01:20:02,650
Okay guys, let's get out there and make
a difference.

1049
01:20:02,990 --> 01:20:04,390
You know what to do.

1050
01:20:06,090 --> 01:20:07,590
Welcome dead, fool boy.

1051
01:20:09,790 --> 01:20:11,950
Time to make the chimmy fucking chongas.

1052
01:20:13,350 --> 01:20:17,410
Not often a dude ruins your face, skull
stomps your sanity, grabs your future

1053
01:20:17,410 --> 01:20:21,430
baby mama, and personally sees to four
of your five shittiest moments.

1054
01:20:22,150 --> 01:20:26,270
Let's just say, it's beginning to look a
lot like Christmas.

1055
01:20:30,250 --> 01:20:31,530
Hey, where's your duffel bag?

1056
01:21:03,530 --> 01:21:08,250
Leave a message and have a happy day.
God damn it! I'm gonna do this the old

1057
01:21:08,250 --> 01:21:12,450
-fashioned way. With two swords and
maximum effort.

1058
01:21:13,580 --> 01:21:17,900
Hear the music. I'm a wolf in sheep's
clothing. Only nigga that you know who

1059
01:21:17,900 --> 01:21:19,940
can chill. Come back and get the streets
open.

1060
01:21:20,180 --> 01:21:22,100
I've been doing this for 19 years.

1061
01:21:22,380 --> 01:21:24,640
Niggas want to fight me, fight these
tears.

1062
01:21:30,740 --> 01:21:31,800
Rainn Wilson!

1063
01:21:33,700 --> 01:21:34,700
What's my name?

1064
01:21:35,660 --> 01:21:37,740
Ooh, I'm going to fucking spell it out
for you.

1065
01:21:39,720 --> 01:21:40,720
Go get some.

1066
01:21:41,100 --> 01:21:42,100
Superhero landing.

1067
01:21:42,280 --> 01:21:44,240
She's gonna do a superhero landing. Wait
for it!

1068
01:21:47,580 --> 01:21:48,580
Woo!

1069
01:21:49,020 --> 01:21:50,020
Superhero landing!

1070
01:21:50,480 --> 01:21:51,900
Yeah, that's really hard on your knees.

1071
01:21:52,120 --> 01:21:53,680
Totally impractical. They all do it.

1072
01:21:54,200 --> 01:21:57,040
You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving
myself for Francis.

1073
01:21:57,300 --> 01:21:58,380
That's why I brought him.

1074
01:21:58,660 --> 01:22:05,620
I prefer not to hit a woman, so please
plan... I mean...

1075
01:22:10,680 --> 01:22:11,680
That's why I brought her?

1076
01:22:13,440 --> 01:22:14,740
Oh, no, finish your tweet.

1077
01:22:15,360 --> 01:22:16,660
That's fine. Just give us a second.

1078
01:22:16,980 --> 01:22:18,220
There you go. Hashtag it.

1079
01:22:20,020 --> 01:22:21,020
Go get her, Tiger.

1080
01:22:25,960 --> 01:22:26,960
Oh,

1081
01:22:29,180 --> 01:22:31,940
I so pity the dude who pressures her
into prom sex.

1082
01:22:33,020 --> 01:22:34,020
All right, then.

1083
01:22:34,200 --> 01:22:35,200
Fire!

1084
01:22:47,080 --> 01:22:49,900
Fucking her the fuck up! Language,
please! Suck a cock!

1085
01:23:16,430 --> 01:23:17,430
Look away, child.

1086
01:23:18,550 --> 01:23:19,550
Look away!

1087
01:23:25,230 --> 01:23:26,230
Wait!

1088
01:23:28,610 --> 01:23:29,610
Wait!

1089
01:23:29,990 --> 01:23:30,949
Big fire!

1090
01:23:30,950 --> 01:23:31,950
Big fire!

1091
01:23:32,330 --> 01:23:33,910
Hey! Hey!

1092
01:23:35,030 --> 01:23:38,370
You only work for that shit-spackled
Muppet fart.

1093
01:23:38,950 --> 01:23:43,250
So, I'm gonna give you a chance for
y'all to lay down your firearms in

1094
01:23:43,250 --> 01:23:44,650
exchange for preferential...

1095
01:23:44,920 --> 01:23:49,420
bordering on gentle, possibly even
lover-like treatment.

1096
01:23:51,460 --> 01:23:53,660
Why, Commando!

1097
01:25:15,280 --> 01:25:17,540
I haven't seen you since TGI Fridays.

1098
01:25:19,080 --> 01:25:20,440
Well, what the hell?

1099
01:25:21,600 --> 01:25:22,940
God, come here, you.

1100
01:25:24,960 --> 01:25:25,960
How are the kids?

1101
01:25:26,200 --> 01:25:29,940
Good? And Gail, she's still fixing that
tuna casserole? So good.

1102
01:25:30,340 --> 01:25:32,380
Oh, I'm bad for the waistline if you
know what I'm talking about.

1103
01:25:36,900 --> 01:25:37,900
Oh.

1104
01:25:39,440 --> 01:25:42,180
You're on the left. You're beautiful.

1105
01:25:42,460 --> 01:25:43,460
That is so sweet.

1106
01:25:54,850 --> 01:25:59,510
Thanks. Does he write you notes too?

1107
01:25:59,970 --> 01:26:01,130
He's such a romantic.

1108
01:26:02,070 --> 01:26:03,430
Don't worry, baby. I'm coming.

1109
01:27:07,760 --> 01:27:08,760
worn his brown pants.

1110
01:27:11,340 --> 01:27:12,360
You're right, beautiful.

1111
01:27:13,380 --> 01:27:14,860
Red really is my color.

1112
01:27:16,080 --> 01:27:17,660
Wait. Don't worry, baby.

1113
01:27:18,280 --> 01:27:20,020
Let me get you out of that shitbox.

1114
01:27:20,780 --> 01:27:23,220
What better way to crawl back inside
that head of yours?

1115
01:27:23,480 --> 01:27:24,820
Oh, you never laughed.

1116
01:27:25,180 --> 01:27:26,600
But you did, asshole.

1117
01:27:27,260 --> 01:27:28,600
Ah, deep breath, darling.

1118
01:27:30,140 --> 01:27:31,140
No way.

1119
01:27:32,400 --> 01:27:33,540
Wrong choice of words.

1120
01:27:36,300 --> 01:27:40,260
I hope they blocked pain to your every
last nerve, because I'm going to go look

1121
01:27:40,260 --> 01:27:41,260
it.

1122
01:27:41,760 --> 01:27:43,720
You grow back body parts now, Wade.

1123
01:27:44,240 --> 01:27:47,040
When I'm finished, the parts will have
to grow back you.

1124
01:27:47,320 --> 01:27:48,320
Good one.

1125
01:27:49,300 --> 01:27:50,560
Yeah, that was a good one.

1126
01:27:51,720 --> 01:27:52,720
Let's dance.

1127
01:27:53,520 --> 01:27:56,280
And by dance, I mean let's try to kill
each other.

1128
01:28:53,290 --> 01:28:54,830
Sounds like your last Saturday night.

1129
01:30:27,920 --> 01:30:28,920
Oh man!

1130
01:32:53,770 --> 01:32:54,770
Just think.

1131
01:33:39,240 --> 01:33:40,440
There are no words.

1132
01:33:41,960 --> 01:33:45,560
Me and you are headed to fix this
butterface.

1133
01:33:53,290 --> 01:33:57,670
Did you really think there was a cure
for that?

1134
01:33:59,530 --> 01:34:00,530
What?

1135
01:34:00,990 --> 01:34:01,990
You have me.

1136
01:34:03,650 --> 01:34:04,650
No.

1137
01:34:04,970 --> 01:34:05,970
No!

1138
01:34:08,330 --> 01:34:09,330
So,

1139
01:34:14,050 --> 01:34:21,030
you mean to say, after all this, you
can't fix me?

1140
01:34:22,160 --> 01:34:26,380
It sounds even stupider when you say it.
Like the kind of stupid who admits he

1141
01:34:26,380 --> 01:34:28,860
can't do the one thing I'm keeping him
alive for?

1142
01:34:33,120 --> 01:34:34,420
Any last words?

1143
01:34:36,940 --> 01:34:38,120
What's my name?

1144
01:34:38,880 --> 01:34:40,320
Who fucking cares?

1145
01:34:40,780 --> 01:34:41,780
Wait!

1146
01:34:42,720 --> 01:34:44,640
Four or five moments.

1147
01:34:45,700 --> 01:34:46,700
I'm sorry?

1148
01:34:46,860 --> 01:34:49,120
Four or five moments. That's all it
takes.

1149
01:34:50,060 --> 01:34:51,060
To...

1150
01:34:51,880 --> 01:34:53,220
Be a hero.

1151
01:34:54,500 --> 01:34:57,780
Everyone thinks it's a full-time job.

1152
01:34:58,020 --> 01:35:01,840
Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero,
go to work a hero.

1153
01:35:02,440 --> 01:35:03,440
Not true.

1154
01:35:04,160 --> 01:35:08,680
Over a lifetime, there are only four or
five moments that really matter.

1155
01:35:10,020 --> 01:35:15,840
Moments when you're offered a choice. To
make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a

1156
01:35:15,840 --> 01:35:19,060
friend, spare an enemy.

1157
01:35:20,400 --> 01:35:25,200
In these moments, everything else falls
away.

1158
01:35:25,820 --> 01:35:28,340
The way the world sees us.

1159
01:35:29,000 --> 01:35:34,880
The way we... Why?

1160
01:35:36,400 --> 01:35:38,200
You were droning on.

1161
01:35:38,600 --> 01:35:42,500
Sure, I may be stuck looking like
pepperoni flatbread, but at least

1162
01:35:42,500 --> 01:35:44,040
fuckface won't heal from that.

1163
01:35:44,480 --> 01:35:47,340
It's wearing superhero tights.

1164
01:35:47,850 --> 01:35:51,030
I've been sparing psychopaths, and maybe
I wasn't meant to wear them.

1165
01:35:51,530 --> 01:35:53,930
Not everyone modders a hall like you.

1166
01:35:54,150 --> 01:35:59,210
Just promise. Yeah, yeah, I'll be on the
lookout for the next four moments.

1167
01:35:59,610 --> 01:36:06,370
Shit. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just
a boy about to stand in front of a girl

1168
01:36:06,370 --> 01:36:12,750
and tell her... What the fuck am I gonna
tell her? Well, you better figure it

1169
01:36:12,750 --> 01:36:13,750
out.

1170
01:36:15,280 --> 01:36:19,680
i can't even tell you i deserve that too
no no no no no maybe maybe not the

1171
01:36:19,680 --> 01:36:26,360
nethers start talking i'm sorry i'm so

1172
01:36:26,360 --> 01:36:33,320
sorry for everything i'm sorry for for
for leaving i'm sorry for not cowboying

1173
01:36:33,320 --> 01:36:36,020
up sooner for a couple of years

1174
01:36:44,840 --> 01:36:45,980
I live in a crack house.

1175
01:36:47,720 --> 01:36:48,960
With a family of 12.

1176
01:36:50,940 --> 01:36:53,900
Every night we spoon for warmth,
everybody fights for Noelle.

1177
01:36:54,140 --> 01:36:55,140
She's the fattest.

1178
01:36:55,400 --> 01:36:56,800
There's nothing that we don't share.

1179
01:36:57,240 --> 01:36:58,820
Floor space, dental floss.

1180
01:37:00,180 --> 01:37:01,200
Even condoms.

1181
01:37:09,360 --> 01:37:10,620
So you live in a house.

1182
01:37:21,450 --> 01:37:22,450
I should have come and found you sooner.

1183
01:37:24,950 --> 01:37:28,370
But maybe the guy under this mask, he
ain't the same one that you remember.

1184
01:37:33,490 --> 01:37:34,610
You mean this mask?

1185
01:37:54,870 --> 01:37:55,870
And this one.

1186
01:37:57,910 --> 01:37:59,370
In case the other fell off.

1187
01:38:02,570 --> 01:38:06,690
You just... Ow. Like a band-aid, just
give it to me.

1188
01:38:07,030 --> 01:38:08,350
Howdy, 5,000.

1189
01:38:08,910 --> 01:38:10,050
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

1190
01:38:11,750 --> 01:38:12,750
Are you sure?

1191
01:38:39,469 --> 01:38:46,410
Hey After a brief adjustment period and
a bunch of drinks It's a

1192
01:38:46,410 --> 01:38:53,390
face I'd be happy to

1193
01:38:53,390 --> 01:38:53,710
sit on

1194
01:38:53,710 --> 01:39:01,970
I'm

1195
01:39:01,970 --> 01:39:04,350
not the same underneath this suit either

1196
01:39:08,590 --> 01:39:10,110
Come on, Wade. Language.

1197
01:39:10,590 --> 01:39:11,890
Young one is present.

1198
01:39:13,070 --> 01:39:18,650
What are you still doing? Get out of
here. Go make yourself useful. You. Go

1199
01:39:18,650 --> 01:39:22,690
be a really big brother to someone. Tell
Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. And

1200
01:39:22,690 --> 01:39:24,170
you, chicken noodle.

1201
01:39:24,390 --> 01:39:27,410
Nothing compares to you. Sinead
O'Connor, 1990.

1202
01:39:27,770 --> 01:39:29,070
Sorry. That's all right.

1203
01:39:30,170 --> 01:39:31,170
You're cool.

1204
01:39:32,470 --> 01:39:34,310
What in the ass?

1205
01:39:34,750 --> 01:39:36,190
That was not mean.

1206
01:39:36,690 --> 01:39:37,950
I'm proud of you.

1207
01:39:38,410 --> 01:39:41,150
We will make an X-Men of you yet, Wade.

1208
01:39:41,430 --> 01:39:44,750
You know, for a second there, it felt
like we were three mini-lion robots

1209
01:39:44,750 --> 01:39:46,890
coming together to form one super robot.

1210
01:39:47,750 --> 01:39:48,750
There's a stupid.

1211
01:39:48,910 --> 01:39:49,910
Yeah.

1212
01:39:53,310 --> 01:39:57,590
And now, for the moment I've all been
waiting for.

1213
01:40:14,640 --> 01:40:15,640
As promised.

1214
01:40:26,760 --> 01:40:27,760
See?

1215
01:40:29,680 --> 01:40:32,640
You don't need to be a superhero to get
the girl.

1216
01:40:33,280 --> 01:40:36,000
The right girl will bring out the hero
in you.

1217
01:40:36,920 --> 01:40:39,960
Now, let's finish this epic wide shot,
pull out.

1218
01:40:40,730 --> 01:40:43,670
There we go. That looks nice. It's gonna
be the only thing that's pulling out

1219
01:40:43,670 --> 01:40:46,670
tonight. Who doesn't love a happy
ending, huh?

1220
01:40:47,730 --> 01:40:52,410
Until next time, this is your friendly
neighborhood pool guy singing, I'm never

1221
01:40:52,410 --> 01:40:56,170
gonna dance again the way I dance with
you.

1222
01:41:19,950 --> 01:41:20,950
We heard each other.

1223
01:42:39,530 --> 01:42:40,530
How you doing, baby?

1224
01:42:41,170 --> 01:42:42,170
No.

1225
01:42:42,570 --> 01:42:43,570
Not you.

1226
01:42:45,130 --> 01:42:46,630
The bow-legged one.

1227
01:42:47,730 --> 01:42:49,850
Yeah. What's your name?

1228
01:42:50,750 --> 01:42:51,810
Damn, baby.

1229
01:42:52,410 --> 01:42:54,170
That sounds sexy.

1230
01:42:54,790 --> 01:42:58,630
Here I go, here I go, here I go. Okay,
girls, what's my weakness?

1231
01:42:58,950 --> 01:43:02,170
Okay, then, chillin', chillin', mindin'
my business.

1232
01:43:02,410 --> 01:43:06,070
You thought I looked around and I
couldn't believe this. I swear, I snared

1233
01:43:06,070 --> 01:43:07,210
my niece, my witness.

1234
01:43:08,840 --> 01:43:14,220
Something kind of unwicked, wicked, had
to kick it. I'm not shy, so I ask for

1235
01:43:14,220 --> 01:43:18,740
the digits. I hope no fat don't make me
see what I want. Slips tied to his

1236
01:43:18,740 --> 01:43:22,660
whipping. Belted in my hips, so I dip
back to my bag of tricks. Then I flip

1237
01:43:22,660 --> 01:43:26,860
for a dip. Made me want to do tricks on
him. Lick him like a lollipop should be

1238
01:43:26,860 --> 01:43:31,160
licked. Came to my senses, and I chill
for a bit. Don't know how you do the

1239
01:43:31,160 --> 01:43:34,740
voodoo that you do so well. This is so
hell. Makes me want to shoot, shoot,

1240
01:43:34,820 --> 01:43:36,160
shoot. Shoot, shoot, battle.

1241
01:43:36,520 --> 01:43:38,080
Shoot, battle, shoot.

1242
01:43:38,360 --> 01:43:42,540
Super Super Super

1243
01:44:06,410 --> 01:44:10,710
I wanna thank your mother for a butt
like that. Can I get some fries with

1244
01:44:10,710 --> 01:44:14,850
that shake shake boobie? If looks could
kill you, would be an easy or a shotgun

1245
01:44:14,850 --> 01:44:19,190
bang. What's up with that thang? I wanna
know, how does it hang?

1246
01:44:19,390 --> 01:44:23,490
Straight up, wait up, hold up, Mr.
Lover. Like Prince said, you're a sexy

1247
01:44:23,490 --> 01:44:27,410
mother. Well, I like them real wild.
B-boy style by the miles.

1248
01:44:27,630 --> 01:44:32,090
Smooth black skin with a smile. Bright
as the sun. I wanna have some fun. Come

1249
01:44:32,090 --> 01:44:35,250
and get me some of that yum yum
chocolate chip honey dip.

1250
01:44:35,530 --> 01:44:36,530
Can I get a scoop?

1251
01:44:36,570 --> 01:44:40,750
Baby, take a ride in my coupe. You make
me wanna shoot, shoot battle.

1252
01:44:45,710 --> 01:44:48,810
Don't you know I wanna shoot, baby.

1253
01:44:49,250 --> 01:44:55,250
Shoot, shoot battle, shoot battle, shoot
battle, battle, battle, shoot, shoot

1254
01:44:55,250 --> 01:44:59,830
battle, shoot battle, shoot battle,
battle, battle. Well, let me bring it

1255
01:44:59,830 --> 01:45:04,110
back to the subject. That's all it said.
Make you get hot, make you work up a

1256
01:45:04,110 --> 01:45:08,620
sweat. When you sit to my loo, my
darling, not falling in love, but I'm

1257
01:45:08,620 --> 01:45:09,619
falling for you.

1258
01:45:09,620 --> 01:45:13,820
When I get drunk, bet you by the dollar
you were best under pressure.

1259
01:45:14,100 --> 01:45:18,160
Yo, Sandy, I want to, like, taste you.
Get your lips wet, cause it's time to

1260
01:45:18,160 --> 01:45:22,680
have pep. On your mark, get set, go. Let
me go. Let me shoot to the next man in

1261
01:45:22,680 --> 01:45:24,940
the three-piece suit. I spend all my
dough.

1262
01:45:25,360 --> 01:45:30,080
Rainy, cutie, shoot, shoot, but do me
like Scooby-Dooby-Doo. I love you in

1263
01:45:30,080 --> 01:45:33,300
your big jeans. You give me nice dreams.
You make me want to scream.

1264
01:45:34,060 --> 01:45:38,840
I like what you do, when you do, what
you do, you make me want to shoot.

1265
01:45:44,280 --> 01:45:50,180
Oh my goodness.

1266
01:45:51,160 --> 01:45:52,620
Girl, look at him.

1267
01:45:53,280 --> 01:45:55,760
He's the cutest brother in here.

1268
01:45:56,040 --> 01:45:57,720
And he's coming this way.

1269
01:45:58,680 --> 01:46:02,920
Yes, and the B wanna get with me, cool,
but I'm wicked, G. Hit skins whenever,

1270
01:46:02,980 --> 01:46:07,640
quickly. I hit the skins for the hell of
it, just for the yell I get. Mm-mm-mm,

1271
01:46:07,720 --> 01:46:10,400
for the smell of it. You want my bod,
here's the hot rod.

1272
01:46:10,620 --> 01:46:13,400
12 inches to a yard and have you
sounding like a retard.

1273
01:46:13,740 --> 01:46:18,440
Big 12 of a 6'2 wanna hit you. So what
you wanna do? What you wanna do? I wanna

1274
01:46:18,440 --> 01:46:19,780
shoot. Shoot battle.

1275
01:46:20,200 --> 01:46:21,200
Shoot battle.

1276
01:46:21,420 --> 01:46:23,080
Shoot battle. Battle.

1277
01:46:23,420 --> 01:46:24,700
Shoot battle.

1278
01:46:34,230 --> 01:46:37,030
super super

1279
01:47:07,530 --> 01:47:08,530
You're still here.

1280
01:47:11,770 --> 01:47:12,770
It's over.

1281
01:47:13,730 --> 01:47:14,730
Go home.

1282
01:47:16,470 --> 01:47:19,970
Oh, you're expecting a teaser for
Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that

1283
01:47:19,970 --> 01:47:20,970
kind of money.

1284
01:47:21,550 --> 01:47:27,170
You expecting Sam Jackson to show up
with an eye patch and a saucy little

1285
01:47:27,170 --> 01:47:28,470
leather number? Go, go.

1286
01:47:29,970 --> 01:47:30,970
Oh!

1287
01:47:35,500 --> 01:47:40,060
But I can tell you one thing and it's a
bit of a secret the sequel we're gonna

1288
01:47:40,060 --> 01:47:44,780
have cable Amazing character ionic arm
time travel. We have no idea who we're

1289
01:47:44,780 --> 01:47:47,800
gonna cast yet But it could be anybody
just need a big guy with a flat top

1290
01:47:47,800 --> 01:47:51,760
could be Mel Gibson Dolph Lundgren Keira
Knightley She's got range who knows

1291
01:47:51,760 --> 01:47:55,260
anyway big secret. Oh and don't leave
your garbage all lying around.

1292
01:47:55,500 --> 01:47:57,440
It's a total dick move